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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the average monthly salary and the prices of black and white and colour TV in Japanese yen from 1953 to 1973.

The graph below shows the average monthly salary and the prices of black and white and colour TV in Japanese yen from 1953 to 1973.
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The graph illustrates the average monthly wage,
along with
Linking Words
 the costs of black/white and coloured
television
Use synonyms
, presented in Japanese
yen
Use synonyms
, between 1953 and 1973.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 the
level
Use synonyms
 of income of citizens in Japan increased throughout the period,
whereas
Linking Words
 the expenditure on
TV
Use synonyms
 decreased over
this
Linking Words
 time.
Overall
Linking Words
, people spent
higher
Add an article
a higher
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 proportion of their salaries on coloured
TV
Use synonyms
 compared to black/white. Focusing first on Japanese revenue, in 1953, their
month
Replace the word
monthly
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 salary was at the
level
Use synonyms
 of roughly 30
yen
Use synonyms
, with the following increase by 50% by 1963. After that, a sharp rise
of
Change preposition
in
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 people's monthly income can be seen in the country, reaching the
level
Use synonyms
 of 180
yen
Use synonyms
 by 1973. As for the prices for
television
Use synonyms
, the initial
level
Use synonyms
 for black and white (combined)
TV
Use synonyms
 was 100
yen
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. Starting from 1958, coloured
TV
Use synonyms
 emerged in the country, with
the
Correct article usage
a
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 price of 180
yen
Use synonyms
, which was 100
yen
Use synonyms
 higher than black and white
television
Use synonyms
. After that, the expenditure on coloured
television
Use synonyms
 dropped drastically to slightly more than 100
yen
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 for the other type of
television
Use synonyms
, the corresponding figure was 40% lower. As for the remaining period, the trend of decrease continued, with about 90 and 40
yen
Use synonyms
 spent in 1973 on coloured and black/white
Use synonyms
TV
Fix the agreement mistake
TVs
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, respectively.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words television, yen, level, tv with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Average monthly salary
  • Black and white TV
  • Colour TV
  • Japanese Yen
  • Affordability
  • Upward/downward trend
  • Technological advancements
  • Consumer preferences
  • Price dynamics
  • Market changes
  • Increase/decrease
  • Ratio
  • Introduction
  • Compare/contrast
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