IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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There is a big argument between two different thoughts of
people
Use synonyms
. Some
people
Use synonyms
convince
Wrong verb form
are convinced
show examples
 that developing
children
Use synonyms
's abilities by giving
Correct pronoun usage
them their
show examples
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 privilege to make decisions for their own step by step is meaningful to their future,
while
Linking Words
 others think giving kids too much power will lead them to selfish men. In my perspective, it is significant for
children
Use synonyms
 to have space to consider
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
themselves. On the one hand, it is
such
Linking Words
 a big deal to make
children
Use synonyms
 grow up individually. Some kids even rely on their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
 though they already walk several years, which
caused
Wrong verb form
causes
show examples
 them
don't
Verb problem
not to
show examples
 have enough determination to make choices. Even worse, they cannot beat other kids' competitors because of their hesitation. In that case,
children
Use synonyms
 who cannot get enough choice
trainings
Change the wording
training
pieces of training
show examples
 are more likely to miss opportunities.
However
Linking Words
, redeveloping
such
Linking Words
 a valuable ability is not simple for adults, since their ideas and behaviors are too mature to be changed.
Therefore
Linking Words
, making
children
Use synonyms
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
think about themselves at a young age is very necessary.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who used to make decisions on their own are more responsible and brave than those who always get ideas from
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 surroundings. Listening to all kinds of suggestions and taking them into consideration is wise and tolerant if the person has his own justice already.
People
Use synonyms
 can believe in him because even though the ultimate consequence is not pleasant, he can be responsible for it
instead
Linking Words
 of
avoiding
Correct pronoun usage
avoiding it
show examples
. In conclusion, I strongly agree that
people
Use synonyms
 are supposed to have the habit of making decisions for themselves since their childhood. It will lead them to a brighter future.

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task achievement
Clarify your main points further and elaborate on your ideas with more specific examples to enhance the depth of your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the organization of your ideas to ensure a smoother flow of information. Use clear linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Work on the clarity of your sentences and avoid overly complex phrasing to ensure your ideas are easily understood.
task achievement
You presented both sides of the argument, which is commendable in addressing the task.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your opinion and provides a clear stance on the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Autonomy
  • Consequence-awareness
  • Self-centered
  • Informal decision-making education
  • Child development
  • Age-appropriate choices
  • Cognitive growth
  • Fostering independence
  • Parental guidance
  • Societal norms
  • Interpersonal consideration
  • Balance of freedom
  • Individualism versus collectivism
  • Experience-based learning
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