IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

It is responsibility of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benefit. To what extend to you agree or disagree with these statements?

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The idea that it is the responsibility of
individuals
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 to save for their own
retirement
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,
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apply
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 and that
governments
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 are not obligated to help, is a topic that has two sides.
While
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 I believe that
individuals
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 should save for their future, I
also
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 think that
governments
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 have an important role to play in providing support. On one hand, it is important for people to take responsibility for their own
retirement
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. If
individuals
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 save money throughout their working lives, they can ensure that they have enough to live comfortably when they stop working.
This
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 encourages personal financial planning and independence, which can be beneficial for everyone in society.
On the other hand
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, not everyone has the same ability to save. Some people, especially those with lower incomes or in unstable jobs, may struggle to save enough for their
retirement
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. In these cases, it is important for
governments
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 to step in and provide support. Government programs like pensions or social security can help ensure that everyone has a basic level of financial security when they retire, regardless of how much they were able to save. In conclusion,
while
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individuals
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 should take responsibility for saving for their
retirement
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,
governments
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also
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 have an important role in providing support to those who are unable to save enough. A balance between personal savings and government assistance is needed to ensure that all people can retire with dignity and security.

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Task Achievement
Expand on your main points with more specific examples or evidence to enhance clarity and support your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your ideas build on each other in a seamless manner to improve the flow and connection between your paragraphs.
Task Achievement
You have presented a balanced view by acknowledging both sides of the argument, which is a commendable approach.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-reliance
  • financial planning
  • social safety nets
  • poverty and inequality
  • employer-based pension schemes
  • personal savings
  • government benefits
  • economic factors
  • inflation
  • financial markets
  • government intervention
  • ethical implications
  • disparities
  • quality of life
  • collective approach
  • retirement planning
  • retirement security
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