IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people think art such as sculpture and music cannot improve the quality of people's lives so the government should not spend money on them, government should spend money on health and defence instead.

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Some
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
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 think art
such
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 as sculpture and music cannot improve the quality of
population's
Correct article usage
the population's
show examples
 lives so the government should not spend capital on them,
such
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 thinking is not necessarily accurate. We have seen examples of monuments that have become the identity of the cities they are in and they have created massive economic activity around them. Let's take the Eiffel Tower
for example
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, it has become the identity of Paris, every year it attracts millions of tourists from across the world who spend and contribute Billions of euros to the economy of France and Paris
in particular
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.
Such
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 economic activities allow governments to reinvest that money into infrastructure, healthcare and education sectors of the country, which results in the upliftment of
community's
Correct article usage
the community's
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 lives.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, melody helps society to improve productivity, improve focus and
relief
Replace the word
relieve
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from
Change preposition
apply
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daily life stress.
melody
Capitalize word
Melody
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 has
also
Linking Words
 presented the opportunity for independent artists to create their own content and generate monetary benefits from it so that they can live a dignified life.
While
Linking Words
 the government should spend
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
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 on health and defence, spending a reasonable portion of capital on art
such
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 as sculpture and music
also
Linking Words
 helps improve the quality of
population's
Correct article usage
the population's
show examples
 lives.

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task response
Make sure to clearly outline both sides of the argument in the introduction to set up your essay appropriately. You might also consider more explicitly stating your position at the end of the introduction for clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Try to enhance the transitions between paragraphs and ideas to improve coherence. Words and phrases that signal a shift in ideas or that link concepts will help guide the reader through your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Consider developing the conclusion further to summarize the main points you made and restate your position. This can strengthen the overall structure of your essay.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples, like the Eiffel Tower, that illustrate your points effectively. This strengthens your argument significantly.
task achievement
Your essay touches on both the economic and psychological benefits of art, showing a good understanding of its multifaceted impact on society.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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