IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Social media has become a real problem for young people today, and governments should create law that allow only people over 18 years of age to have accounts. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Nowadays, social
media
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 has been significantly developed and brings a large number of problems to young
people
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, sparking some debates regarding its negative impacts. Some
people
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 insist on the idea that the use of social
media
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 should be restricted for
people
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 who are less than 18 years
.
Correct word choice
old.
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 I firmly agree with
this
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 idea and would like to show the reason through the following discussion. Social
media
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 has negatively affected adolescents and interrupted their growing up. For a start, social
media
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 deprives young
people
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 of considerable time for studying and playing with
friends
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.
According to
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 the national
statistic
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statistics
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 in 2023 in Japan showed that high
school
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students
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 watched social
media
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 for more than three hours per day on average.
This
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 number clearly suggests that high
school
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students
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 in Japan spare too much time for social
media
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instead
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 of learning useful for their future or playing with
friends
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 in person in 2023.
Furthermore
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, social
media
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 can stimulate young
people
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’s complexity because many
people
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 upload only good experiences on social
media
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. Whether
students
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 can afford amazing experiences or not depends on their parents’ richness.
On the other hand
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, social
media
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 might have positive effects on the young generation.
First,
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they might have foreign
friends
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 through social
media
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.
For example
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, Facebook can communicate with
people
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 all over the world, helping young
people
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 understand different cultures.
Moreover
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, social
media
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 might provide wide knowledge, satisfying
students
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’ curiosity. Some social
media
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such
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 as X and Instagram can work as a place showing individuals’
hobby
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hobbies
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. These articles might provide new knowledge to
students
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 which cannot be taught at
school
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.
However
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, to enjoy these merits is not necessarily at high
school
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 and is enough after becoming adults.
People
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 especially less than 18 years old should prioritize their learning at
school
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 and in-person communication with
friends
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 and family. In conclusion, social
media
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 has brought problems to the young generation and they should put more emphasis on their studying and in-person communication than social
media
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.
Therefore
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, I completely support the idea that governments should ban children’s using social
media
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.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and presents a clear opinion, which is important in task achievement. However, ensure that you fully develop your supporting points and explicitly connect them back to your argument regarding the need for restrictions on social media usage by young people.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow by using more varied linking words and phrases to connect your ideas. For instance, when transitioning between the negative and positive aspects of social media, clearer transitions would help the reader follow your arguments more easily.
supporting main points
Make sure each main point is supported with well-explained examples. While you provide some examples, they could be elaborated further to demonstrate your points more effectively. This would enhance the strength of your argument.
task achievement
You have a clear position on the topic and your introduction sets the stage for your arguments well. This clarity is essential for guiding the reader through your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points, reinforcing your stance on the issue, which is a key element of a well-rounded essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • mental health
  • unrealistic expectations
  • cyberbullying
  • maturity
  • long-term consequences
  • inappropriate content
  • predatory individuals
  • age restrictions
  • misrepresent
  • supportive communities
  • educational resources
  • technological literacy
  • digital citizenship
What to do next:
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