IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some students tend to play computer games rather than sports. Why is this? What can be done to tackle the problem?

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Nowadays some
students
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 prefer to engage with
video
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games
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 rather than exercises or
sports
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.
This
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 essay will explain
two
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 main causes including the
lack
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 of sophisticated sporty facilities and the
attraction
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 of computer
games
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.
Also
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, it represents
two
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 solutions comprising developing public
sports
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 facilities and holding sport-oriented
events
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 and competitions.
Lack
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 of sophisticated sporty amenities is the first cause. It is evident that when there are no complete
sports
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 centres close to
students
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, they cannot pursue their desired
sports
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 in their free time. In my country, Iran,
for instance
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,
while
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 a lot of young
people
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 are interested in football, because of the
lack
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 of standard pitches they cannot pursue their desires. The second cause is the
attraction
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 of
video
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games
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. In the view of many
people
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,
video
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games
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 thanks to using new technologies and visual effects are more attractive than every activity.
This
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attraction
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 can convince
students
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 to allocate their free time to
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
video
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games
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instead
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 of
sports
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. Developing sporty centers can considered the first solution. It is obvious that increasing accessibility to sporty amenities can help
people
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 to pursue their desired
sports
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. If there are enough facilities, some
students
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 will abandon their computers and start their desired
sports
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. As the second solution, governmental organizations can hold sport-oriented
events
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 and competitions. These kinds of
events
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 can attract a lot of
people
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 and encourage them to contribute to public activities.
For example
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, a lot of Iranian
students
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 are really into wrestling and pursue it professionally because of an annual competition named the Zarrin Prize which is held in Tehran. In conclusion, there are
two
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 main reasons why
students
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 prefer to play
video
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games
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 rather than
sports
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, including the
lack
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 of enough
sports
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 centres and the
attraction
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 of computer
games
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.
Additionally
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, it is explained that developing sporty centres and holding sport-oriented
events
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 can considered
two
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 practical solutions.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to distinctly separate your main points and arguments for clarity. Some sentences could benefit from clearer linking phrases to guide the reader through your logic.
task achievement
Enhance the specificity of your examples. While you mention general interests and events, incorporating more varied and concrete examples could illustrate your points more effectively.
structure
Well-structured essay with a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively outlining the main points.
content
Good identification of causes and proposed solutions related to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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