IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people are of the opinion that children should be rewarded for good behaviour. Others think they should be punished for bad behaviour. Discuss both views and give your personal opinion and reasons.

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IT IS SAID THAT
PARENTS
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 SHOULD REWARD THEIR
CHILDREN
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 EVERY TIME THEY HAVE GOOD MANNERS.
HOWEVER
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, OTHERS BELIEVE THAT KIDS HAVE TO BE PUNISHED WHEN THEY HAVE BAD BEHAVIOUR. I STRONGLY AGREE WITH THE FACT THAT EVERYONE SHOULD BE RECOMPENSED AND,
FURTHEREMORE
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FURTHER
, BE GROUNDED TO HAVE A STRICT UPBRINGING. INDEED, IT IS RELEVANT FOR MOST
CHILDREN
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HAVE
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TO HAVE
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 REWARDS IF THEY ARE GROWING WITH GOOD ATTITUDES
DUE TO
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 IT CAN FOSTER THEIR
MENTHAL
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MENTAL
 WELL-BEING.
FOR INSTANCE
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, MANY RESEARCH
SHOWS
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SHOW
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 THAT
PARENTS
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 WHO GIVE RECOMPENSES TO THEIR KIDS OVER THEIR ACADEMIC EDUCATION AND,
MOREOVER
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, GIVE THEM
A
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apply
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CONSTANT SUPPORT. THEY SUCCEED IN
LABOR
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THE LABOR
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 FIELD BECAUSE THEY ARE ALWAYS SEEKING NEW CHALLENGES.
THUS
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, WE MUST CREATE AWARENESS ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF
MENTHAL
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MENTAL
 HEALTH IN THEIR CHILDHOOD, REWARDING THEM
EVERYTIME
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EVERY TIME
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 THEY DESERVE IT.
ON THE OTHER HAND
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, AS
CHILDREN
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 BECOME AWARE OF
TAKING
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BAD BEHAVIOUR,
PARENTS
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 HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE BETWEEN WHAT IS ACCEPTABLE AND UNACCEPTABLE FOR
THE
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SOCIETY. TO ILLUSTRATE
THIS
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, BULLYING
AS WELL AS
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 VERBAL ABUSE IN SCHOOLS
ARE
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HAVE BEEN
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RAISING
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RISING
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 SINCE THE
LAST
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 DECADE,
THIS
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 IS DETRIMENTAL FOR OUR SOCIETY
THAT
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AND
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 CAN TRIGGER
IN
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apply
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SUICIDES
WHAT
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THAT
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 CAN NOT BE SEEN AS NORMAL IN THE WORLD. CONSECUENTLY, I STRONGLY AGREE WITH THE FACT THAT OUR YOUNG SOCIETY SHOULD BE RAISED IN A HOME ENVIRONMENT WHERE
PARENTS
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 MUST HANDLE
POSTIVE
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POSITIVE
 AND NEGATIVE SITUATIONS.
TO SUM UP
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,
ALTHOUGH
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 OUR SOCIAL ENVIRONMENT REQUIRES STRICT
PARENTS
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 TO
BUILT
Wrong verb form
BUILD
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CHILDREN
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CHILDREN'S
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PERSONALTY
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PERSONALITY
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, IT IS
A
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apply
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CHILDREN
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´S RIGHT
RECEIVE
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TO RECEIVE
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 REWARDS AS LONG AS THEY ARE DOING WELL. MAY KIDS AROUND THE WORLD BE RAISED RESPECTING THEIR RIGHTS.

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task response
Your introduction should clearly outline both viewpoints, providing a brief summary of what will be discussed. Consider rephrasing 'be grounded' to a clearer expression such as 'face consequences'.
coherence and cohesion
Be cautious with your language; ensure correct terms are used, like 'reinforced' instead of 'recompensed'. Also, maintain consistent verb tenses and check for minor grammatical issues.
coherence and cohesion
In the first body paragraph, the sentences sometimes feel fragmented. For instance, ensure that the connection between ideas is smooth and clear. Also, make the connection to mental health more explicit.
coherence and cohesion
In the second body paragraph, it's good to present a specific example but ensure that it directly relates to the argument being made. The connection between bullying and parenting can be clearer.
task response
Your conclusion should succinctly restate your position and may suggest a balanced approach to rewarding and punishing children. This ties back to the introduction well.
task achievement
You provide a clear personal opinion that emphasizes the importance of rewarding children.
task achievement
Your essay addresses relevant issues regarding child behavior, which shows an understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Some examples, like the impact of rewards on academic success, demonstrate thoughtfulness in your argument.
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