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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that individuals who make a lot of money are most successful. others believe that individuals who contribute to society like scientist and teacher are more successful. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Currently definition of
succees
Correct your spelling
success
 is
one
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 of
debatable
Add an article
the debatable
a debatable
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topic
Fix the agreement mistake
topics
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society
Use synonyms
. Some
people
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 say
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 individuals who
earns
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earn
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 tons of
money
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 are the most successful, the other says the ones who
contributes
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contribute
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 more and
give
Verb problem
have
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 huge impact
to
Change preposition
on
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society
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 are more successful. In
this
Linking Words
essay
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essay,
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 I will discuss
the
Correct article usage
apply
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both
of
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apply
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views and give a concluding view. On the
one
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 hand, most
people
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 believe that
money
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equal
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is equal
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 to value.
That's
Unnecessary verb
That
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 means, the more
money
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 you
collected
Wrong verb form
collect
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 the more valuable you are as
the
Correct article usage
a
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 person.
For example
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
a
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high salary
Add a hyphen
high-salary
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 job often comes with complex
task
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tasks
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 and vital
position
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positions
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 within the company, the
one
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 who
get
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gets
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 hired should be a professional with
relevance
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relevant
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experiences
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experience
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.
Therfore
Correct your spelling
Therefore
,
people
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sees
Change the verb form
see
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 them as important individuals and valuable, judging from their high salary.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, opponents of
this
Linking Words
 view point out that, contribution to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
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 is the biggest parameter of
success
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. The main reason is because they give a lot of benefits to others.
For
Linking Words
example
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example,
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teacher
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teachers
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, who
are teaching
Wrong verb form
teach
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 their pupil
sincerly
Correct your spelling
sincerely
 and smartly would
creates
Change the verb form
create
show examples
 more
high impact
Add a hyphen
high-impact
show examples
 individuals
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
, they create more
engineer
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engineers
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,
doctor
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doctors
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 and many more.
Thus
Linking Words
, for some
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people
Add a comma
people,
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 they are the
hero
Fix the agreement mistake
heroes
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whos
Correct your spelling
who
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 save the nations and spread positivity towards
people
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. In conclusion, both
the
Correct article usage
apply
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money
Use synonyms
 and contribution are
one
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 of the
parameter
Change to a plural noun
parameters
show examples
 of
success
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. For me, It's better to define our version of
success
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 because
Linking Words
at
Add the comma(s)
, at
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 the end of the day, both
money
Use synonyms
 and contribution are important things to understand the value of
success
Use synonyms
 itself.

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clarity
Try to improve the clarity of your ideas by using more precise language. For example, instead of 'the more money you collected the more valuable you are as the person,' you could say 'many people equate financial success with personal value.'
grammar
Make sure to proofread your essay for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, instead of 'the one who get hired should be a professional with relevance experiences,' it should be 'the ones who are hired should be professionals with relevant experience.'
expansion
Consider expanding your examples to provide a deeper insight into your arguments. For instance, mentioning specific contributions made by teachers or scientists could strengthen your point.
structure
You presented both sides of the argument clearly, which is important for task achievement.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your views and brings closure to the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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