IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Today many people work until a later age. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays, it is popular to retire very late.
Consequently
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, many
people
Use synonyms
 argue whether it is beneficial or not. In
this
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 essay, I will elaborate on
this
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 subject and present
pros
Correct article usage
the pros
show examples
 and cons of
this
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 phenomenon.
Moreover
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, I will share why I believe it is positive for
people
Use synonyms
 who can do so and indicate my experiences. Among the advantages, older
people
Use synonyms
 who have a job constantly stimulate their
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
 because they keep developing
together with
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 the company they work for.
For instance
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, they are learning new systems and modern technologies,
as well as
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, they do attend internal trainings. It is proven that
such
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 activities help to avoid illnesses like
Alzheimer
Change noun form
Alzheimer's
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. Personally, I experienced it with my grandmother. She retired
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 very young age.
As a consequence
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, she was suffering from many brain diseases before she died.
However
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, her sister who
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 working for
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 significantly longer period of time not only overlived her, but
also
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 was enjoying perfect health until the end.
On the other hand
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,
younger
Add an article
the younger
show examples
 labour force is more
innovatve
Correct your spelling
innovative
.
Instead
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 of being trained
what
Change preposition
in what
show examples
 is new in the company, they are often those who introduce changes to the others.
Innovative
Correct article usage
An innovative
show examples
 brain offers a tremendous
opprtunity
Correct your spelling
opportunity
 for companies to develop.
Therefore
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, some target the youngest to join their firm.
To conclude
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, it is a contentious issue, whether the advantages of
ageing
Correct article usage
an ageing
show examples
 labour force outweigh the disadvantages. Definitely, some prefer to hire fresh graduates.
Nevertheless
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, I believe that we should put
people
Use synonyms
 first and take care of their well-being
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 keeping them in their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 for a long time.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly present your main ideas and support them with specific examples.
coherence
To improve coherence, consider using more explicit linking phrases and transitions between your points.
task achievement
Ensure that your examples are fully developed and clearly connected to the points you are making.
coherence
Your introduction clearly outlines what will be discussed in the essay, setting a good foundation for your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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