IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Many parents are unhappy because of the increasing amount of violence in their children by computer games, TV programs, and other leisure activities. What are the harmful effects of such violent programs on children? What are the solutions for this problem?

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In
this
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 contemporary epoch, it has become increasingly common among children to imitate actions and
behavior
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behaviour
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 of things which they acquire from different sources
such
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 as
TV's
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tvs
TV
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 and computers.
However
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, it can lead
detrimental
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to detrimental
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 impacts on juveniles as they become
aggresive
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aggressive
 and stubborn in childhood only. To commence with, there are various impacts on children which can be caused by intense programs.
Firslty
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Firstly
, they tend to obtain an
aggresive
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aggressive
 and dominant personality which
consequently
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 can create conflicts between family bondings.
Secondly
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,
such
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 violent channels on
televisions
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television
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 or
internet
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the internet
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 not only influence their minds but
also
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 guide them
the
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in the
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 techniques to initiate brutality or assault in future.
Laslty
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Lastly
, it will become a daunting task for
such
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juvniles
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juveniles
 to attain success in
academis
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academic
academics
 and
cirriculam
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curriculum
curricular
 activities and
thus
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 will destroy their
overall
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 potential. To
combatt
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combat
this
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 issue,certain steps can be taken by parents
such
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 as not rendering them
the
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apply
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access to technological sources till they become more mature and even keeping an eye on them
while
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 they play games, watch television and go outside with friends. Meanwhile,
government
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the government
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 should regulate decisions
such
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 as, limiting
the
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apply
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violent graphics,
banning
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and banning
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 games which
includes
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include
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such
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 traits and
a
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an
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 inspection should be carried out on the makers who provide
such
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 channels and games.
To conclude
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,
although
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 it is a challenging task to stop children
doing
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from doing
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 things for their entertainment
puposes
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purposes
,proper instructions by parents, teachers and
government
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the government
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 can
avail
Verb problem
enable
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 them to have a prosperous and peaceful lifestyle in future.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the ideas are well connected. This helps to improve the logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
Edit for spelling and grammatical errors. For instance, 'Firslty' should be 'Firstly', and 'juvniles' should be 'juveniles'. Such errors can distract readers from your message.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or evidence to support your arguments. Mentioning specific studies or statistics could strengthen your points about the effects of violent content.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states the topic and sets the context for the discussion. It is effective in engaging the reader.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion summarizes the main points and offers a hopeful outlook, which is a positive way to end the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • aggressive behavior
  • desensitization
  • anxious
  • empathize
  • social skills
  • skew
  • perception of reality
  • monitor
  • age-appropriate content
  • educational content
  • non-violent content
  • media literacy
  • critically analyze
  • impact
What to do next:
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