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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays, most children prefer to spend several hours playing with electronic devices over doing more traditional leisure activities. What problem does this cause? What do you think are possible solutions?

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The proliferation of ample high-tech means of recreation has made traditional enterprise become less popular
to
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with
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children
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 which derives from game addiction and a lack of self-discipline.
Nevertheless
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,
this
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 can be confronted by educating
children
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 about healthy lifestyles, including showing the vital of outdoor
activities
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 and having a strict
time
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 schedule. The main reason
Correct pronoun usage
that need
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need
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needs
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 to be acknowledged is that the outburst of new devices following diverse categories of entertainment on the internet has made
children
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 become game addicts. It must be easy to understand that despite technological devices serving a good purpose for them, they are still addictive and
children
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 spend countless
time
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 on those gadgets.
This
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also
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 makes
children
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 less appreciate sports and different healthy
activitiesto
Correct your spelling
activities
 name but a few.
Hence
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,
that is
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 why
children
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 do not like traditional
activities
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. Another essential point in
this
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 case is their own harmful discipline. To be more specific,
children
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 spend most of their
time
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 grinding for their games or watching videos which results in procrastination. If
children
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 do not hone their discipline, their own lifestyles will surely damage them for a prolonged period. Even though electronic gadgets might have irreversible damage to
children
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,
this
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 can be dealt with by teaching them the importance of doing exercise with a strict timetable.
This
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 is
due to
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children
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 being so stubborn to recognize the detrimental effects that they have in order to abolish their inimical lifestyles.
Therefore
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, local schools should be responsible for educating them , especially about the drawbacks and consequences of spending unlimited
time
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 on electronic gadgets combined with providing them with some recommended
activities
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 that are good for their health. In conclusion, technology can badly affect them by addiction and low discipline.
However
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, it can be addressed through extra-curricular
activities
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 at school that could enhance their life.

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coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs for better coherence. Transition words can help guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
task achievement
Ensure that each point is sufficiently developed with clear examples or explanations, which will strengthen the overall argument and clarity of the ideas.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to illustrate the points made about the effects of technology on children and potential solutions. This will add credibility to your arguments.
content
The essay addresses an important and contemporary issue regarding children's use of technology and its effects.
argumentation
You have identified key problems and proposed solutions, which demonstrates critical thinking and awareness of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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