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Band 5

The charts below show the average precentage in typical meals of three types of nutrients, all of which may be unhealthy if eaten too much

The charts below show the average precentage in typical meals of three types of nutrients, all of which may be unhealthy if eaten too much
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These two pie charts illustrate how employees were divided by sex and occupation in manual and non-manual directions in 1992.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
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 just over a quarter of men worked in managerial and professional spheres in comparison with women.
Such
Linking Words
 a proportion was shown that males were preferred
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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senior positions. The figures were 36 per
cent
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 and 29 per
cent
Use synonyms
 respectively.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, only a quarter of ladies tried themselves as a clerk or related job
whereas
Linking Words
 the average for gentlemen was 6 per
cent
Use synonyms
. The other non-manual work in
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 pie charts represented almost the same percentage which consists of under 10 per
cent
Use synonyms
. Just the same picture we see in other manual
occupation
Fix the agreement mistake
occupations
show examples
 where the figures were 27 per
cent
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 women and 26 per
cent
Use synonyms
 for men respectively. For general
labourers
Add a comma
labourers,
show examples
 the difference between female and male consists of 1 per
cent
Use synonyms
, where men were chosen for that job about 2 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
, the craft or similar assignment was filled by gentlemen which was about one in four
instead
Linking Words
 of 3 per
cent
Use synonyms

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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