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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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In recent years, the question of whether
children
Use synonyms
 should be taught with
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 thought that someone could achieve anything by
extremely
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extreme
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 devotion.
While
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 the opponents have their reasons and
agruments
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arguments
, I strongly agree that
this
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 education is worth
and
Correct pronoun usage
it and
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 has its merits. On one hand,it is useful and beneficial for
children
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 to encourage them to pursue their aims through their effects
instead
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 of other illegal methods.The thought could guide them to a correct and meaningful life.Some famous characters of the stories told by parents,
for example
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,
edissen
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dissent
,managed to
created
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create
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 the
bulms
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bulbs
bulls
balms
finally
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 through
the
Correct article usage
apply
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numerous failures and continuous experiments.These cases involve devotions and
share
Wrong verb form
sharing
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 happy and prosperous
outcomes
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,which help to shape some personalities of persistence and
optimistic
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optimism
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.
Thus
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,it has enough advantages to support that
children
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 could make
achievement
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achievements
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 if they devote their best.
However
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,
on the other hand
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,the thought may cause some bad and unexpected
outcomes
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.
Children
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 who strongly admit the view that effects are equal to the same
outcomes
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 may
do
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apply
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harm their physical health and emotional problems.They may overweigh the
outcomes
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than
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over
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 the processes so as to become more anxious and fail to concentrate on one task.
For example
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, the students are prepared for the
up coming
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upcoming
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 exams and go to bed late for months.
Although
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 these behaviours are likely to contribute to their high scores ,they may become sleepy and
the
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their
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 energy
decline
Correct subject-verb agreement
declines
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 gradually because of the lack of enough rest and energy,which influences their study efficiency and strong body.
Thus
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, the effects are not always useful to
individuals
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individuals'
individual's
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 growth and development. In conclusion, we should support illegal methods and devote our best at any time
for
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to
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 our dreams and
better
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a better
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 future.What is more ,we are supposed to protect our health in reasonable ways.

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task achievement
The introduction could be clearer and more engaging. Consider rephrasing to more directly state your position and outline your main points.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to provide clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to enhance logical flow. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
When providing examples, ensure they are well explained and directly support your argument. This strengthens the connection between your points and your examples.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to grammar and spelling as these can distract from your message. For instance, 'edissen' should be corrected to 'Edison', and make sure to use appropriate plurals and tenses.
task achievement
The essay presents both advantages and disadvantages, showing a balanced view on the topic.
task achievement
You have provided some interesting examples that relate to the main points you are discussing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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