IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Some people believe that both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem, while others argue against this. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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It is argued that many
kids
Use synonyms
 lack
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 way of living these days .
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
 of the population
think
Correct subject-verb agreement
thinks
show examples
 that
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 and
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 are in control
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 solving
this
Linking Words
 issue .
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees with the statement for two reasons and will be explained . First , children spend most of their time in
school
Use synonyms
 and with their
parents
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 .
Therefore
Linking Words
 , a leading and advising climate around them will help them achieve an outstanding lifestyle , especially that a child
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 still learning ,
gaining
Correct word choice
and gaining
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 knowledge from the places that the vast of their day is included
in
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apply
show examples
it
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apply
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
 ,
Correct article usage
an
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excellent lifestyle can be gained from
school
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 if the
school
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adminstiration
Correct your spelling
administration
 focuses on the life of its students .
This
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 can be done by aiming to provide an environment which
do
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does
show examples
 not allow junk food in any way possible .
In addition
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, schools must concentrate on having a good amount of time for
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 learners for any kind of sport
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 will let them love doing
excersises
Correct your spelling
exercises
 and keep it a goal .
Secondly
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,
parents
Use synonyms
 must be a reference for their
kids
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by
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in
show examples
 many possible ways . As
,
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apply
show examples
Many
kids
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 consider their mom or dad as an idol or someone they look up to .
Moreover
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 ,
parents
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 must respect
this
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 enormous responsibility by providing various
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
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 of
advices
Change the wording
advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
show examples
,
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apply
show examples
and must provide
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
enivornment
Correct your spelling
environment
 in
home
Add an article
the home
a home
show examples
 .
This
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 can be gained by being keen on their
kids
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 to eat healthy food
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
and spend time doing activities . In conclusion ,
school
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 and
parents
Use synonyms
 are the only reference for our
kids
Use synonyms
 these days . They must
acknowlege
Correct your spelling
acknowledge
this
Linking Words
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 and give its
importancy
Correct your spelling
importance
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 many ways .
Beacuse
Correct your spelling
Because
, the future generation is in between their hands and
kids
Use synonyms
 having a great lifestyle must be an objective for any mom or dad.

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task achievement
The introduction needs to clearly state your position, specifically whether you agree or disagree with the statement. Also, try to rephrase the question more directly in your opening statement.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly relates to the main argument and includes a topic sentence. This will improve the logical flow and help the reader follow your ideas more easily.
task achievement
Add specific examples to support your points, such as mentioning specific activities or programs that schools or parents could implement to promote a healthy lifestyle.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to grammar and spelling, as some errors are present. Review your work for typos and grammatical issues to improve clarity and professionalism.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You present valid points regarding the roles of schools and parents in promoting a healthy lifestyle.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • unhealthy lifestyle
  • physical activities
  • nutritious meals
  • physical education classes
  • curriculum
  • workshops
  • societal norms
  • advertising
  • peer pressure
  • government policies
  • community programs
  • environment
What to do next:
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