IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Crime is becoming a serious concern. Some believe that more action should be taken to prevent crime. While others feel that little action can be done to stop crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Crime
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 happens every day, particularly in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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large cities
such
Linking Words
 as Bangkok, Thailand. Certain
people
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 insist that criminals
shall
Verb problem
should
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 be harshly punished at all
cost
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costs
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. Meanwhile, a
fewer
Correct word choice
smaller
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numbers
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number
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 of
people
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 believe that providing education to
people
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 who are at risk of committing
crime
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 will be more beneficial to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society in the long term.
In
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From
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 my perspective, I rather agree with the latter group’s views. For the first group’s opinions,
crime
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 depends on
individual’s
Correct article usage
the individual’s
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 decisions and actions with no consideration of criminals’ economic status, educational level, and surroundings. In their perspectives, individuals might be bad since birth,
thus
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, they
committed
Wrong verb form
commit
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Use synonyms
Add an article
a crime
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crime
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crimes
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by
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on
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 their own instinct.
Therefore
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, the government must issue
law
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laws
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 with more violent
enforcements
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enforcement
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 to prevent those evil persons
to commit
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from committing
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 crimes in the future.
However
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, the second group realizes relevant factors that cause someone to commit crimes. As mentioned earlier, each potential criminal has common drives, e.g. living in poverty, having lower education, and/or habiting in crowded and poor areas in cities.
Thus
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, they are likely to encourage the authorities and other stakeholders to promote responsible behaviours among those who are at
risks
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risk
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.
For example
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, the concerned agencies might create job opportunities for them. They,
then
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, will not
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
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 in any wrongdoings.
To sum up
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, I strongly agree with the latter group that the government including
community
Correct article usage
the community
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 should offer our hands to those in need. After that, those disadvantaged
people
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 can avoid committing crimes and live in a more sustainable way.

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task achievement
Consider refining your introduction to clearly outline the main points that will be discussed. This helps to set the reader's expectations effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your ideas flow smoothly between paragraphs. Using more linking words and phrases can help with this.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. For instance, mentioning particular educational programs that have been successful in reducing crime would strengthen your essay.
task achievement
The essay presents and discusses both views effectively, showing an understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your opinion is clearly stated in the introduction and conclusion, which is important for the overall structure of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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