IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphone. Why might this be the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development

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Some
children
Use synonyms
 use their
smartphones
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 many hours a day because their
parents
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 do not have enough
time
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 to take care of them;
consequently
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, the
parents
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 choose to give their
children
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smartphones
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.
This
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 development can be positive as it enhances
learning
Add an article
the learning
show examples
 experience,
while
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 it
also
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 has drawbacks if
children
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 spend too much
time
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 on their
mobiles
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. It is undeniable that some
parents
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 give their
children
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mobiles
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 because they do not have adequate
time
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 to look after their kids. Many fathers and mothers prioritize their jobs and career advancements so that they can earn more money and improve their quality of life.
As a result
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, they spend too much
time
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 at work, and let their
children
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 play
smartphones
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 and learn from them
instead
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.
For example
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, in many Asian countries, people usually work from 9 am to 5 pm, meanwhile,
children
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 study only from 7 am to 3 pm.
Hence
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, the
parents
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 choose to let their
children
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 play
Change preposition
on smartphone
show examples
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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while
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 waiting.
Due to
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 the development of
smartphones
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,
children
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 have benefited in learning. They can learn more than what
are
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is
show examples
 taught in school and they can customize their lessons based on their interests.
For instance
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, Duolingo, an application aiming to teach languages, is an effective tool for
children
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 to learn new languages, improving linguistic skills.
However
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, spending too much
time
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 on
mobiles
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 solely affects negatively on physical health since it blocks
children
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 from engaging in outdoor activities. If
children
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 are addicted to their
smartphones
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, they tend to do only sedentary activities.
Therefore
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, the
time
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 limitation of smartphone usage in
children
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 is important. Regarding technological advancements,
smartphones
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 have inevitably become a part of everyday life.
Children
Use synonyms
 spend hours on their
mobiles
Use synonyms
 on a daily basis because their
parents
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 do not have enough
time
Use synonyms
 to take care of them.
Although
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children
Use synonyms
 can learn many things via phones, using them too much can negatively impact physical health.

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task achievement
Expand on your points to provide deeper analysis and more examples. For instance, discussing the long-term impacts of excessive smartphone usage on children's social skills could strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Try to enhance the link between your ideas to improve the logical flow. For example, add transition phrases to connect paragraphs and bolster communication between supporting points.
task achievement
You provided a clear view of both the positive and negative aspects of smartphone usage, which adds depth to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with distinct paragraphs, each focused on a specific aspect of the topic, contributing to readability.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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