IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Films and games can be accessed at any time from mobile devices like smart phones, tablets and laptop computer. Do the advantages of such development outweigh the disadvantage? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In the contemporary era, different
source
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sources
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 of entertainment are easily accessible from any electronic
devices
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device
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.
While
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 I think that
disadvantage
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disadvantages
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 like unprotected personal data, I believe that the advantages of
usage
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the usage
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 of devices as
such
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 far
outweighs
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outweigh
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 the disadvantages. There are several benefits of owning modern gadgets.
Firstly
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, it enables the expansion of knowledge on various different topics,
such
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 as
,
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apply
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 history, science, arts, etcetera, being seated from any part of the world.
For instance
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, when I watched a documentary on gypsies,
and
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apply
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I learned
their
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about their
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 lifestyle in
the
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apply
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ancient India
while
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 on a cab ride to school.
Secondly
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, these sources can entertain any age
groups
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group
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. From fixing
a
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the
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 mood of an annoyed child to a tired grandmother, watching a movie can simply
lighen
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lighten
 up the environment of everyone around.
Lastly
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, On the paradoxical side, there are some drawbacks
such
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 as violation of privacy.
This
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 issue can arise sometimes because not all of us are aware when
browing
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browsing
 through unauthorized websites when selecting a film to watch or a game to play. As per the
survery
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survey
 conducted by The Guardian, it was revealed that
,
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apply
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 there is
risk
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a risk
the risk
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 of certain exposure
upon
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for
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 children who had explicit
contents
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content
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 pop up as an advertisement on a phone
while
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waching
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watching
 a comedy which was noticed in about 80% of the users.
While
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,
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apply
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 accidental clicks may lead to unwanted threats including future
expoitations
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exploitations
expectations
exploitation
 as
such
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. In conclusion, I think that there are cons like unprotected personal data, I believe that the pros of usage of devices as
such
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 far
outweighs
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outweigh
show examples
 the disadvantages.

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion, but the argument could be strengthened by more thoroughly developing the points made and ensuring all are supported adequately. For instance, the last point appears to be incomplete.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance coherence, ensure clear transitions between ideas. For example, use linking phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs more smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with grammar and structure, as there are a few inaccuracies that can detract from clarity (e.g., 'the advantage of usage of devices as such') which could be simplified.
task achievement
Expand on the points made in the body paragraphs with more detailed examples and elaboration to reach a higher level of detail and complexity.
task achievement
The introduction clearly outlines the topic and presents the writer's opinion effectively.
task achievement
The essay addresses both advantages and disadvantages, which demonstrates an understanding of the topic's complexity.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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