IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
 always discuss that
children
Use synonyms
use
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 too much
time
Use synonyms
 on smartphones in a day. Some
people
Use synonyms
thought
Wrong verb form
think
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 it will be harmful to
children
Use synonyms
 but
the
Correct article usage
apply
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other
one's
Change the noun form
ones
one
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 don'
t
Use synonyms
 agree
to
Change preposition
with
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 it. In my opinion, I think it
a
Add a missing verb
is a
show examples
negative development
to
Change preposition
for
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 young
people
Use synonyms
grow up
Verb problem
apply
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, and I will expound
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 reasons in
this
Linking Words
 essay.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 who always like
spend
Fix the infinitive
to spend
show examples
time
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 on
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 smartphones are short of accompanies and identity.
For example
Linking Words
, some
children
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 use
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 mobile phone and search
friends
Change preposition
for friends
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 on social media because
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
parents
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 are too busy and pay
a
Remove the article
apply
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less attention to their
children
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. Their
parents
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 haven'
t
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 enough
time
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 to stay with them and they need to find a way to share their
emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
show examples
. And
then
Linking Words
, some
parents
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often
Add a missing verb
are often
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 too serious
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their
children
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 in education,
the
Correct word choice
and the
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children
Use synonyms
 will be depressed and want to other
people
Use synonyms
praise
Correct pronoun usage
praise them
show examples
. On the internet, their friends will give
this
Linking Words
 feeling to them.
On the other hand
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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online information
are
Change the verb form
is
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 more
variety
Replace the word
varied
show examples
 than
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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knowledge. The lots of
attractively
Change the adverb
attractive
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 information
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 them excited, always want to search
any
Change preposition
for any
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 news. That's why they don'
t
Use synonyms
 want to leave their mobile
a
Change preposition
for a
show examples
long
time
Use synonyms
. For
this
Linking Words
 development, it will be a
trouble
Change the verb form
troubling
show examples
 trend in
children
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's
growing
Replace the word
growth
show examples
. The most important that use a long
time
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 in screen will injure their health. Researchers have shown that the screen
bule
Correct your spelling
blue
 light can hurt human eyes when they play the smartphone,
even
Correct word choice
and even
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 can induce
blind
Replace the word
blindness
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
 some
children
Use synonyms
 stay in
online
Add an article
the online
show examples
 world, they often don'
t
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remembered
Change the verb form
remember
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 the
time
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 and
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 sleep will be lost. And
then
Linking Words
, young
people
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 always can'
t
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 recognize
the
Correct word choice
whether the
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 different information
whether have
Verb problem
is
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 beneficial to them. On the internet, they can touch some bad things like violence and
bloody
Replace the word
blood
show examples
. They can affected
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
this
Linking Words
 very
easy
Change the word
easily
show examples
, and they can'
t
Use synonyms
 consider
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it.
Overall
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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 a long
time
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the smartphones and
online
Add an article
the online
show examples
 world
have
Change the verb form
has
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 many different reasons.
However
Linking Words
, it isn'
t
Use synonyms
 a positive development
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their life. The government and
parents
Use synonyms
 need to notice
this
Linking Words
 problem and take more
time
Use synonyms
 to solve it.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your position in the introduction and summarize it in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Try to use more complex sentences and a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your writing.
coherence cohesion
Improve sentence structure; for instance, start sentences with a clear subject to maintain clarity.
content
You have raised important points regarding the effects of excessive smartphone use.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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