IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Everyday
Replace the word
Every day
show examples
, many
children
Use synonyms
 spend most of their time on mobile
phones
Use synonyms
.
As
Correct word choice
Parents
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parents
Use synonyms
 use
Linking Words
this devices
Change the determiner
this device
these devices
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 to entertain their
children
Use synonyms
, which may impact them either negatively or positively. Because of
parents
Use synonyms
,
children
Use synonyms
 are habituated
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 using smartphones.
parents
Use synonyms
 give
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
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phones
Use synonyms
 to their
children
Use synonyms
 to keep them busy
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 so that they can work without any
interuption
Correct your spelling
interruption
.
In addition
Linking Words
, they can take care of their professional commitments, when the
children
Use synonyms
 are occupied.
Due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 many
children
Use synonyms
 are habituated
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 spending
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
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 of their time on electronic devices.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 may cause potential harm to their eyes. Mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 emit blue light,
extensive
Correct word choice
and extensive
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 exposure to
this
Linking Words
 may cause strain
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 human eyes. So, the
eye sight
Correct your spelling
eyesight
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 of the
children
Use synonyms
 spending hours watching
screen
Correct article usage
the screen
show examples
 might
get
Verb problem
be
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 affected. An article published, by
lens providing
Add a hyphen
lens-providing
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 company
lenskart
Change the capitalization
Lenskart
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, stated that most of their
coustomers
Correct your spelling
customers
 are
children
Use synonyms
, whose sight got tapered by extensive exposure to blue light.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 might help them in gaining knowledge. Most of the younger population is ahead of using new apps to their
benefits
Fix the agreement mistake
benefit
show examples
. There are many applications from which they can learn new skills.
For example
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
Add a comma
youtube,
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youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
 anyone can access various content related to several domains, for free.By using
this
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 can learn many new things which will help them to grow academically or personally. In conclusion, to keep their child occupied,
parents
Use synonyms
 are using smart devices,
due to
Linking Words
 which it
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
daily
Add an article
a daily
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 part of their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, which has both positive and negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
.

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Language
Make sure to use correct articles (e.g., 'the' before 'children') and plural forms where needed (e.g., 'devices' instead of 'device').
Coherence
Add more structure to your paragraphs, ensuring each idea flows smoothly to the next, possibly through transitional phrases.
Task Achievement
Provide more supporting examples to strengthen your arguments, such as citing studies or providing more detailed information about the impact of excessive smartphone use.
Content
The essay touches on both positive and negative aspects of smartphone use among children, demonstrating an understanding of the topic.
Evidence
The inclusion of specific examples, such as YouTube being a source of learning, enriches the discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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