IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think government should ban dangerous sports; others, however, believe that people should be free to do whatever they choose. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is no doubt that these days dangerous
sports
Use synonyms
became
Wrong verb form
have become
show examples
 a common subject to discuss. Many people think that countries should
banned
Change the verb form
ban
show examples
 it. At the same time, Others hold the opposite view. In my opinion, I do not support allowing these games. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I'm going to explain
this
Linking Words
 topic In terms of causes, The primary reason for
disagree
Change the verb form
disagreeing
show examples
these
Change preposition
with these
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 is the high percentage of danger and
Correct article usage
the possiblity
show examples
possiblity
Correct your spelling
possibility
to get
Change preposition
of getting
show examples
 bad effects and many common injuries
such
Linking Words
 as arm broken and head
injury
Fix the agreement mistake
injuries
show examples
. It may even lead to death in some situations.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Insurance costs in the current days have become
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
expensive,
As a result
Linking Words
, It creates fears to start doing these
sports
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, Provided statistics by Harvard University showed the number of injuries in the
last
Linking Words
 year. About 3050 patients visited the general hospital in Cambridge city. The causes were they used to play these dangerous
sports
Use synonyms
. Highlighting the main argument in the beginning.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, The approval of
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
this
Linking Words
 kind of
activitey
Correct your spelling
activity
 is
requirement
Add an article
a requirement
show examples
 in different places that
organising
Wrong verb form
organise
show examples
 annual competitions.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Numerous dangerous
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
 have their audiences who watch them in their free time.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, A great number of players will feel displeased if
this
Linking Words
 suggestion
applied
Add a missing verb
is applied
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, The measure centre in Japan shared a poll in 2010
included
Correct pronoun usage
that included
show examples
 two options that were agree or disagree to stop some dangerous activities. the result showed that 60% chose the second option.
Consequently
Linking Words
, The government considered the result as a real requirement.
to sum up
Linking Words
,
Although
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
ban
Correct your spelling
requested
requestment
Correct your spelling
requests
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 common around the world, Many people hold the opposite view
that is
Linking Words
 not essential to
blocking
Wrong verb form
block
show examples
 everything,
Thereafter
Linking Words
, I agree with the first opinion

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Improve grammatical accuracy, particularly in verb forms and sentence structure. For example, use 'banned' consistently as it is the correct form.
structure
Provide a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to outline your main arguments more effectively. This will help readers understand your stance right from the beginning.
lexical resource
Make sure to use more varied vocabulary and avoid repetition. This will enhance the flow of your writing and make it more engaging.
conclusion
Work on enhancing your conclusion to restate your opinion more strongly and summarize your main points cohesively. This would provide a stronger ending to your essay.
task response
You have addressed both views as required by the task, showing an understanding of the different perspectives on the topic.
relevant specific examples
Examples provided add credibility to your argument, especially the statistics about injuries.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • freedom of choice
  • public safety
  • healthcare costs
  • government responsibility
  • economic impact
  • personal development
  • resilience
  • risk-taking
  • regulated
  • fatalities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: