IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

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In many countries, life expectancies are increasing.
While
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 think that
this
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 situation causes problems for
governments
Use synonyms
, others argue that having more
elders
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 positively impacts society.
This
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 essay will explain why having an ageing population is beneficial and its advantages outweigh the disadvantages. On the one hand,
people
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 believe that an ageing population is a major cause of overspending on building basic facilities.
While
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governments
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 should focus on investing in other aspects
such
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 as education or innovation, they prioritize taking care of elderly
people
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. Regarding the limited amount of money,
governments
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 should manage their finances wisely. If they excessively invest in infrastructures that mainly focus on enhancing the
elders
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' quality of life, they might not be able to improve educational systems for younger generations or even
creating
Wrong verb form
create
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 innovations.
However
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, that issue can be tackled by incorporating older
people
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 in major decisions. Many
elders
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 have more experiences and viewpoints.
Therefore
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, they can contribute to more creative and diverse solutions.
For example
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, there was a campaign encouraging
people
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 from all generations to propose ideas about building a new park. Younger ones normally focus on public spaces for fun activities
such
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 as music events. But since the government involved advice from
elders
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, an aspect of safety is
also
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 considered, making the park better for society. In conclusion,
due to
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 an increase in the number of elderly
people
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, some believe that there are more problems for
governments
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 to solve. Others still argue that the benefits of having elderly
people
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 in society outweigh the drawbacks because older citizens have more beneficial experiences and advice. If
governments
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 encourage elderly
people
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 to share useful ideas to address problems, many issues will be alleviated more thoughtfully.

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task achievement
Although this essay presents a clear argument in favor of the advantages of an aging population, it would benefit from addressing potential counterarguments more thoroughly. This would enhance your task response by providing a more balanced discussion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is generally well organized, but a stronger link between the second point in the second paragraph and the overall argument would enhance coherence. Consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas more clearly.
task achievement
While you provide some examples and explanations to support your points, including more specific and varied examples would strengthen your argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The introduction effectively outlines the essay's purpose and presents a clear thesis statement. This sets a strong foundation for your argument.
task achievement
The use of real-life examples, such as the park campaign, adds relevancy to your points and helps illustrate your argument effectively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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