IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Working or pursuing higher degrees
of
Change preposition
while
show examples
 studying after
school
Use synonyms
 is a contentious argument.
While
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that working would foster more
successsful
Correct your spelling
successful
 individuals, others assert that
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 educational level would introduce better
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 to the lives of
freshmans
Correct your spelling
freshmen
show examples
. On the one hand, working straight after
school
Use synonyms
 has some benefits for
youngesters
Correct your spelling
youngsters
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, evolving the market and interacting with diverse
people
Use synonyms
 undoubtedly lead to enormous experiences, resulting in a professional individual at a young age.
For instance
Linking Words
, dealing with customers is a challenging part of becoming a prominent dealer, obviously the sooner one begins to engage with customers the more opportunities would be to make mistakes and not collapse.
Moreover
Linking Words
, greater connections
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 another advantage of
early
Correct article usage
an early
show examples
 career start. In fact,
people
Use synonyms
 who pursue a job right after
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
Use synonyms
 can broaden their circle of acquaintances largely,
while
Linking Words
 university students have fewer chances to communicate with
market
Correct article usage
the market
show examples
 and industries.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, universities can offer more developed careers to students compared to conventional
bussinesses
Correct your spelling
businesses
.
In other words
Linking Words
, the
leading edge
Add a hyphen
leading-edge
show examples
 technologies can be seen
as a result
Linking Words
 of scientific activities that took place in universities. In fact, without a proper educational system,
non
Correct your spelling
none
show examples
 of the modern breakthroughs would be possible.
Therefore
Linking Words
, graduate students are more likely to cooperate with
techonlogies
Correct your spelling
technologies
 and leading companies than the market.
Furtheremore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, higher education can foster useful skills
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
show examples
 and time management, which are highly essential in today’s world. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 have different
perspective
Fix the agreement mistake
perspectives
show examples
 about working or studying after
school
Use synonyms
, I believe that they both are essential for a sustainable society and can provide
porper
Correct your spelling
proper
 careers for
people
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Clarify your introductory statement to include both views more distinctly. This will help in setting up the discussion better.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that summarizes its main idea. This will improve the flow and comprehension of your argument.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or detailed explanations for your claims, especially in the advantages of higher education.
coherence and cohesion
Consider improving the phrasing for clarity. For instance, instead of 'the leading edge technologies can be seen as a result of scientific activities that took place in universities', you might say 'leading-edge technologies emerge from research conducted at universities'.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument, showcasing an understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint and ties the essay together well, which is commendable.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Academic qualifications
  • Specialized skills
  • In-depth knowledge
  • Personal growth
  • Social development
  • Practical experience
  • Financial independence
  • Career progression
  • Professional networking
  • Education
  • Work experience
  • Successful career
  • Personal interests
  • Career goals
  • Decision-making process
What to do next:
Look at other essays: