IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some experts suppose that when a country is already rich, any additional increase in economic wealth does not make its citizens happier. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is said that if most of the
people
Use synonyms
 in the country are wealthy, any increase in
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
 does not make the nationals happier.
However
Linking Words
, I am totally against the statement. If the average level of wealth of the nationals is high, but there are extremely wealthy
people
Use synonyms
. The competition
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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job opportunities will become fiercer.
For example
Linking Words
, in some developed countries
such
Linking Words
 as Korea, the top four powerful financial organizations own the most share of fortune in the whole society. To ensure their own profits, they only recruit
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
students who graduated from high-ranking, expansive, or private
university
Fix the agreement mistake
universities
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, who the employers think are
talents
Replace the word
talented
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 and will bring more profits to their company. The poor, who cannot afford to take extra courses and have not performed well in the college entrance exam can only get the
low paid
Add a hyphen
low-paid
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 work. They cannot afford the high expense of their children, which makes the social stratification more stable.
Besides
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments should spend more on public services and facilities to improve the
overall
Linking Words
 happiness of all human beings.
The health
Correct article usage
Health
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 insurance in China
guaranteed
Wrong verb form
guarantees
show examples
 that everyone can afford to go to
the
Correct article usage
a
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 public hospital
whenever
Correct word choice
whether
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 they live in developed cities or less developed rural areas. Even
the
Correct article usage
apply
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patients with cancer are able to receive medical treatment. What is more, the development of urbanization leads to a convenient, modern and efficient life. Metro systems ensure
people
Use synonyms
 commute efficiently
instead
Linking Words
 of being stuck on busy roads. Commercial
centers
Change the spelling
centres
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 provide
people
Use synonyms
a
Add the preposition
with a
show examples
place to release stress where they can hang out with friends and chill out as well.
Third,
Linking Words
public places like
park
Fix the agreement mistake
parks
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 and playgrounds encourage
the
Correct article usage
apply
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seniors and children to do some physical exercises
instead
Linking Words
 of sitting at home for a day, with which a sense of belonging to the
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
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 will be formed. All in all, it is how the
governments'
Change noun form
government's
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 fiscal expenditure
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can improve the happiness of all the nationals in the country. The officials should pay more attention to ensure the rights of the poor and meet the basic necessities
such
Linking Words
 as public health, environment and education.

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conclusion improvement
Your introduction states your opinion clearly, which is great. However, consider restating the argument in the conclusion to reinforce your position.
logic improvement
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is directly tied to your central argument. The main points should also logically lead from one to the next to improve flow.
example elaboration
While your examples are relevant, elaborating more on how they demonstrate your points could strengthen your essay. Try to offer more insight into the implications of the examples provided.
structure
Your essay is well-structured with clear paragraphing, showing a good understanding of the essay format.
examples
You provide relevant examples, particularly in discussing the issue of job competition and public services, which enhances your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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