IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the increasing use of computer and mobile phones nowadays has unwanted effects on the young people reading and writing skills. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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It is undeniably true about the fact that more usage of technologies in the current times has led to some undesirable effects on the younger generation, which is why
this
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 essay will support the statement above.
According to
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 a study conducted by Harvard
University
Add a comma
University,
show examples
 it was shown that there is a delay in the development of the frontal brain in people using smartphones regularly, which is usually fully grown by the age of 25, as
this
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 part of our lobe is crucial in decision-making and critical thinking.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 clan
also
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 tend to contribute less in their creative aspects which is equally necessary for a child to have a well-rounded character development .
Additionally
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, children without the help of computers have resulted in procuring unique ideas.
For instance
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,
according to
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 the statistics provided by scientists of the International Organization of Pediatrics Europe, individuals with no consumption of electronic devices are less likely to have unpleasant outcomes. Even if they encounter difficulties it is more unlikely that it will cause more stress and anxiety like the other group. In conclusion, a decrease in the utilization of high-end devices can result in outstanding results and can mitigate threats on their
further
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 path

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task achievement
Develop your main points further by providing more explanation and examples. For instance, you mention the negative effects on creativity; explore this point in greater detail to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your ideas flow logically from one to another. Some transitions between sentences could be smoother for better clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction could be more engaging. Consider rephrasing to capture the reader's interest while clearly stating your position.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and expresses a clear opinion, which is important for task achievement.
task achievement
You included references to studies and statistics, which help to support your argument and lend credibility to your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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