IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes numerous health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
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 day and age, given the growing
consumption
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 of
sugar
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 in foods and beverages around the world, people are increasingly concerned with the rising rate of chronic
diseases
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 that negatively impact their lives. Some would argue that Imposing a tax on
sugar
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 and raising the
price
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 of these
products
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 effectively reduces their
consumption
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.
However
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, I am more inclined to believe that lifestyle modification requires education from an early age. In the following essay, I will consider the effectiveness of these two viewpoints.
To begin
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 with, imposing a tax on sugary
products
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 is believed to be a solution to preventing the rapid growth of chronic
diseases
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such
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 as diabetes and high blood pressure. Increasing the
price
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 of beverages and food riching in
sugar
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 is believed to be unaffordable for the majority of society.
Therefore
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,
individuals
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 are not purchasing the mentioned
products
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 and seeking other alternatives, and factories are searching to utilize less
sugar
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 formulations
while
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 keeping the taste.
As a result
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,
sugar
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consumption
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 would be controlled and the rate of chronic
diseases
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 decrease leading to better public health.
However
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, I doubt the effectiveness of
this
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 opinion, in the following paragraph, I will explain my suggestion. Increasing the
price
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 of
sugar
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 is not considered a permanent solution for controlling
diseases
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such
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 as diabetes.
For instance
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, many
individuals
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 continue to buy these
products
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,
in particular
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,
sugar
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 lovers.
Therefore
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, my suggestion is to encourage
individuals
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 to pursue a healthy lifestyle. For
this
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 purpose,
individuals
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 about the risks of excessive
sugar
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 intake,
as well as
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 encouraging healthier alternatives,
such
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 as promoting fruit
consumption
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. On the whole, in conclusion, either of these two points can be quite valid. On the one hand, several governments are keen to increase the
price
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 of harmful foods to decrease
consumption
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, but
on the other hand
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, other governments agree with increased awareness of society with
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
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. I am more likely to agree with
latter
Add an article
the latter
show examples
 opinion.

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task achievement
Strengthen the introduction by clearly stating your position on the topic more explicitly. Consider rephrasing for clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph contains clear topic sentences that outline the main idea of that paragraph.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your claims, particularly in the discussion of health risks and lifestyle modifications.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view by considering both sides of the argument, which is commendable.
task achievement
The inclusion of chronic diseases as a focus area effectively contextualizes the discussion around sugar consumption.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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