IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people today find they have insufficient time to spend with their families, bacause of pressures of work.What problems does this create for individuals and their families?what solutions can you propose ?which would be the most effective solution, in your view?

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Undoubtedly, with the
esculation
Correct your spelling
escalating
 of individuals' stress, people have less
time
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 to spend with their
families
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.
Although
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 there will be some negative
concequences
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consequences
on
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of
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this
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 trend, society can take some
solusions
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solutions
 to mitigate these problems. An array of causes may lead to why people do not have enough
time
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 to stay with their
families
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.
To begin
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 with, employers tend to
work
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 overtime to complete their
duty
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duties
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 via the rapid development of industries, so they cannot take care of their kids or accompany with there parents.
That is
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, each person in a family may
loss
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lose
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 connection
due to
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 the
increasily
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increased
 workload.
Secondly
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, even if workers
are get
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get
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 off
work
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, their
responsabilities
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responsibilities
 still wind them to recharge with their
families
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.
For instance
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, my mom was a doctor, and when I was younger, I often did not have her by my side, because she would be called to the hospital when there was an emergency, I am not really familiar with my mom till now. Several solutions
of
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to
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 the phenomenon that family has less accompany with each other can be taken to solve
this
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 issue.
Firstly
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, authorities should encourage society to engage
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Change preposition
in work-live
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work-live
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work-life
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 balance to prevent mental disease. To be more specific, governments can improve
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work
Add an article
the work
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 environment to let citizens have more chances to stay with their
families
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; meanwhile, the stress can be released by spending
time
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 with
families
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.
Moreover
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, employees should recruit sufficient employers to
fullfill
Correct your spelling
fulfil
 the lack of human resources,
then
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 the risk of
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work
Replace the word
working
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 overtime would be obviously reduced.
According to
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 the essay from National Taiwan University in 2023, more
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then
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than
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 58%
employers
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of employers
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 had to
work
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 over eight hours because their companies did not hire enough workers to afford the workload. In conclusion, based on the aforementioned, a series of factors may result in more individuals
do
Verb problem
apply
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not
have
Wrong verb form
having
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 enough
time
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 to stay with their
families
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 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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related solutions can be adopted to deal with
this
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 problem.

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coherence and cohesion
Your essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences that can guide the reader through each paragraph. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that directly responds to the essay question.
coherence and cohesion
Try to link your points more smoothly using transition words and phrases. This will help the flow and make it easier for readers to follow your argument.
task achievement
You have identified some relevant problems and solutions, but it would strengthen your argument to provide more thorough analysis and include more examples, especially for your solutions.
task achievement
The conclusion could summarize your main points in a more impactful way and state your personal views more clearly regarding the most effective solution.
task achievement
You have a clear introduction that outlines the topic and the issues you intend to address. This sets a good foundation for your essay.
task achievement
Your personal example adds authenticity to your argument and helps to illustrate the issues at hand; this is a strong point in your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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