IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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"Many manufactured food and drinks include high levels of
sugar
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, which causes many
health
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 problems."
This
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 definition is absolutely true and I agree with it. But I remain
skeptical
Change the spelling
sceptical
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 about the
increase
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 in the price of sugary
products
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 as the solution. In
this
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 essay, I would like to point out the importance of reducing
sugar
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 consumption. In my opinion,
sugar
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 is absolutely a huge threat to
people
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's
health
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 nowadays. The
sugar
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 causes cancer, weight gain and obesity.
Furthermore
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,
sugar
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 is commonly known to be a food
addictive
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additive
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 similar to alcohol, cigarettes and drugs. Alcohol, cigarettes and drugs are not cheap
commodity
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commodities
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 anywhere in the world. The fact that these
products
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 are expensive, does not necessarily make a change in
people
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's habits and addictions. I think it would not be wrong to evaluate
sugar
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 within the same context. So, I disagree that the
increase
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 in the price of sugary
products
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 can be a permanent solution in the long term.
In addition
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, if the price
increase
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 was preferred
for
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to
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 encourage
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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,
this
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 might not influence
people
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’s choices effectively. I believe that expensiveness can only postpone
to
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apply
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buying decisions or
increase
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 the trend of spending money
overall
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.
On the other hand
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, changing
people
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's thoughts and
behaviors
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behaviours
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 not easy to handle. To eliminate these problems, manufacturers, humans and
capitalist
Correct article usage
the capitalist
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 system have to update their methods. Indeed, manufacturers should prioritize
people
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's
health
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 over profit and low cost.
People
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 should change their own eating habits. Capitalism and brands should alter their own advertising method.
Moreover
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, all
people
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 become conscious
by
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of
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authorities
Fix the agreement mistake
authority
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 and
health
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people
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. I think
,
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apply
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 these approaches can mitigate the
sugar
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 problem to some
extend
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extent
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.
Finally
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, when we examine
this
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 situation closely, it is absolutely obvious that sugary
products
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 should not be made more expensive to encourage
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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. As mentioned earlier , It can not give us the results that we want. It is more reasonable to say that altering the ideas of
people
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 relatively more challenging than making a change
at
Change preposition
in
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 product prices.

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structure
Your introduction presents your stance clearly, but it could be enhanced by outlining your main arguments briefly. This sets clear expectations for the reader.
clarity
Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that conveys the main idea. This helps readers follow your arguments more easily.
content
While you provide valid points about the ineffectiveness of price raises, including specific examples or statistics about sugar consumption trends could strengthen your argument.
language
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases; consider proofreading your work for clarity and fluidity.
content
You have a strong argumentative stance and express your view clearly regarding the pricing of sugary products.
coherence
Your essay logically progresses through points, demonstrating relevant connections between health issues and the proposed solution.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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