IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes mant health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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"Many manufactured food and drink
products
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 contain high levels of
sugar
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, which causes many health problems"
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this
Capitalize word
This
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 definition is absolutely true and I agree with
this
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. But I am not sure about the increase in the
price
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 of sugary
products
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 for the solution. In
this
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 Essay, I would like to evaluate
this
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 topic. In my opinion,
sugar
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 is absolutely a huge threat to
people
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's health nowadays. The
sugar
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 causes cancer, weight problems and obesity.
Furthermore
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,
Sugar
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 is an addictive thing like alcohol, cigarettes and drugs.
This
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 is a scientific fact. Alcohol, cigarettes and drugs are not cheap. Even so, The fact that these are expensive, does not cause a
change
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 in
people
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's habits and addictions.I think it would not be wrong to evaluate
sugar
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 in the same context. So, I am not sure about the increase in the
price
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 of sugary
products
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 for the solution.
In addition
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, if
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price
Correct article usage
a price
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 climb is preferred
for
Change preposition
to
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 encourage
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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,
this
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 is not
effectively
Change the word
effective
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 will not
people
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's choices. Because
,
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apply
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 the
price
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 does not affect
people
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's consumption in
this
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 capitalist system
whereas
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 just habits affect it. Expensiveness just can postpone to buying decision or increase spending the money.
On the other hand
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, Improving some things happens by changing
people
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's thoughts and
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
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. To eliminate these problems, manufacturers, humanities and capitalism have to
change
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to
Change preposition
apply
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their
method
Fix the agreement mistake
methods
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. Indeed, manufacturers should prioritize
people
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's health
instead
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 of profit and low cost.
People
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 should
change
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 their own eating habits. Capitalism and brands should
change
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 their own advertising method.
Moreover
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, all
people
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 become conscious
by
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of
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 governments and doctors. I think
,
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apply
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 these approaches can solve the
sugar
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 problem.
Finally
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, when we evaluate
this
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 situation it wouldn't be wrong to say that, sugary
products
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 should not be made more expensive to encourage
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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. It can not give us the results that we want. What needs to
change
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 is the ideas of
people
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 , not product prices.

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task achievement
Expand on your arguments with more detailed examples or evidence to support your views, especially regarding the health implications of sugar. This will help clarify your ideas and make your argument more persuasive.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance your introduction by providing a clearer thesis statement that outlines your main points. A strong introduction should give the reader a clear view of what to expect in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Work on linking your ideas more smoothly between paragraphs to improve the overall flow of your essay. Using transitional phrases can help connect different points more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Clarify some sentences that seem a bit convoluted. For example, the sentence about price affecting consumption could be simplified for better clarity.
task achievement
You have clearly expressed your opinion on the topic and maintained a consistent viewpoint throughout the essay, which is essential in persuasive writing.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view by considering both sides of the argument, which shows critical thinking and depth in your response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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