IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Experts say older people were happier and healthier in the past because they did more exercises and sport, more time with family and freinds, whereas now many suffer loniness and health problems. what are the cause of this and what are the solutions?

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Some people believe that older people were healthier and happier in the past because they were engaged more in
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
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 and
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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, more
time
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 with friends and family
whereas
Linking Words
 nowadays most suffer
Change preposition
from loniness
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loniness
Correct your spelling
loneliness
looniness
 and
health
Use synonyms
 problems. Urbanization has
lead
Wrong verb form
led
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 to
adoption
Add an article
the adoption
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 of digital
devices
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,
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 mobile phones, laptops and computers, these gadgets are
primarly
Correct your spelling
primarily
 used as a medium of
entertainment
Use synonyms
 that leads to a sedentary life.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a sedentary life leads to social isolation, which in turn increases stress and mental
health
Use synonyms
 issues that negatively
impacts
Correct subject-verb agreement
impact
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 their
overall
Linking Words
 happiness. Urbanization has empowered individuals to purchase digital
devices
Use synonyms
 that aid in their daily routine and
also
Linking Words
 help them enhance social connectivity.
However
Linking Words
, these gadgets have done more harm than good, as these gadgets are being used as a source of
entertainment
Use synonyms
 in both work and leisure
time
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. Elders have less energy and weaker muscles which makes doing physical work harder. With the addition of mobile phones in their lives they are spending crucial
time
Use synonyms
 on sources of
entertainment
Use synonyms
 to keep themselves busy. Back in the day,
this
Linking Words
 was not possible and
due to
Linking Words
 boredom they were willing to utilize their
time
Use synonyms
 effectively
whereas
Linking Words
due to
Linking Words
 its addictive nature elders have reduced physical activity. To address these concerns, it is essential to encourage a balanced lifestyle for the elderly. One solution could be to promote physical activities specifically designed for older individuals,
such
Linking Words
 as yoga, walking clubs, or light strength training. These activities would not only help maintain their physical
health
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 provide opportunities for socialization.
Additionally
Linking Words
, digital
devices
Use synonyms
 should be used in moderation. Elderly people can be encouraged to use technology for meaningful purposes,
such
Linking Words
 as video calls with family members or joining online communities that promote physical activity.
This
Linking Words
 approach would allow them to benefit from technology without becoming overly reliant on it for
entertainment
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 urbanization and digital
devices
Use synonyms
 have brought many conveniences, they have
also
Linking Words
 led to a more sedentary lifestyle, especially for the elderly.
This
Linking Words
 shift has contributed to social isolation and increased
health
Use synonyms
 problems, negatively affecting their happiness and well-being.
However
Linking Words
, by encouraging a more balanced use of technology and promoting physical activity, it is possible to improve the
overall
Linking Words
 quality of life for the elderly and help them lead healthier, happier lives.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, and you effectively summarize the issue at hand. However, consider adding a more specific thesis statement that outlines your main arguments clearly.
coherence and cohesion
The progression of ideas is logical, and you provide a clear connection between urbanization, digital devices, and their impact on older people's lives. To improve, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea well.
task achievement
You mention several issues and solutions effectively, but to enhance your score, try to include more specific examples to support your points further. For instance, cite studies or surveys about elderly health or specific programs encouraging physical activity.
content
You have an excellent understanding of the topic and present a clear argument surrounding the issues of urbanization and its effects on older individuals.
content
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and offers a final perspective on the balance needed in technology use and physical activity for the elderly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • urbanization
  • social isolation
  • nutritious
  • communal activities
  • health problems
  • loneliness
  • depression
  • technological advancements
  • community engagement
  • processed foods
  • mortality rate
  • quality of life
  • intergenerational relationships
  • wholesome
  • retirement
  • physical activity
  • support networks
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