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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people today find they have insufficient time to spend with their families, bacause of pressures of work.What problems does this create for individuals and their families?what solutions can you propose ?which would be the most effective solution, in your view?

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Nowadays, Some
people
Use synonyms
 find difficulty in spending
time
Use synonyms
 with their loved ones
due to
Linking Words
work
Use synonyms
 pressure.
This
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 creates several problems between
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
indivdiual
Correct your spelling
individuals
 and their families.
However
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, there are some remedies for the cause. Both,the cause and solution
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 explained in the ensuing paragraph with the best solution in my viewpoint. The foremost problem is ,
people
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 lack family bonding
day
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 by
day
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. To explain, as they are under pressure
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
work
Use synonyms
, they are so much engaged in their thoughts of
work
Use synonyms
 task that needs attention,
they
Correct word choice
that they
show examples
 sometimes totally forget about their wife and
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
. To provide
and
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 example, he or she has
presentation
Correct article usage
a presentation
show examples
 next week but does not have enough knowledge to finish that slideshow , they will think about that overnight and will not get a chance to think about household
people
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
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, it
also
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 affects
ones
Change to a genitive case
one's
show examples
 mental health. To elaborate, as an individual
is having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 stressful
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
, they tend
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 feel depressed and have severe anxiety issues
throught
Correct your spelling
throughout
through
 the
day
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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, Research in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 laboratory of Texas stated
57
Correct word choice
that 57
show examples
% of working
professional
Fix the agreement mistake
professionals
show examples
faces
Correct subject-verb agreement
face
show examples
 issues of mental illness due
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 more workload.
On the other hand
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, there are
plethora
Add an article
a plethora
show examples
 of ways of
deal
Wrong verb form
dealing
show examples
 with the
rootcauses
Correct your spelling
root causes
. The prime one is the friendly
work
Use synonyms
enivronment
Correct your spelling
environment
. Employees must be given comfortable
surrounding
Fix the agreement mistake
surroundings
show examples
 of
work
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 so that they can
work
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effeciently
Correct your spelling
efficiently
 and effectively without any stressful
thought
Fix the agreement mistake
thoughts
show examples
,even if they find
hard
Change the article
a hard
show examples
time
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 in any of the projects.
Moreover
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, they must be given some Special
Day
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offs
Replace the word
off
show examples
 as Family
Day
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 once a month or twice
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
two month
Add a hyphen
two-month
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
period
Add an article
the period
show examples
.
Hence
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, I think that the latter solution would be
perfect
Add an article
a perfect
the perfect
show examples
 consequence to outweigh the origin of the cause as they will be able to spend
time
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 and create good
bond
Fix the agreement mistake
bonds
show examples
 with their
people
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. In conclusion, it is agreed
thesedays
Correct your spelling
these days
 that workers find they lack
time
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 to spend
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
with home
people
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, the reason being
pressure
Add an article
the pressure
show examples
 of
work
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. They do face many difficulties
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the situation as they are not
able
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
able to spend quality
time
Use synonyms
 at home.
However
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, providing them with one special holiday for family can help to
great
Correct article usage
a great
show examples
extend
Replace the word
extent
show examples
 to
over come
Correct your spelling
overcome
show examples
 the situation in my opinion.

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Task Achievement
Improve the clarity of your main ideas. Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point you want to make.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on smooth transitions between points and paragraphs to help guide the reader through your argument.
Task Achievement
Provide more detailed and specific examples to support your points. This could involve including more statistics or studies beyond the one mentioned.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear understanding of the problems and possible solutions, which is commendable.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have a good structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in guiding the reader through your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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