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Band 4.5

discipline is an ever increasing problem in modern society .Some people think that discipline should be the responsibility of teacher , while other think that is the role of parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion .

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No doubt,
discpiline
Correct your spelling
discipline
disciplined
at
early
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an early
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 age plays a crucial role
to build
Change preposition
in building
show examples
 a good
charactor
Correct your spelling
character
of
an
Correct article usage
apply
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individual.
However
Linking Words
 , there is a growing debate where some people believe that it should be
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 responsibility of
parents
Use synonyms
 to
instill
Change the spelling
instil
show examples
 discipline at home,
while
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other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 contend that
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
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 are professionally trained to discipline
children
Use synonyms
 so it is their primary duty to do so.I will discuss both perspectives before presenting my opinion.
One
Correct your spelling
On
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 the one hand, influence at
early
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an early
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 age mostly
decide
Correct subject-verb agreement
decides
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 how
child
Add an article
the child
a child
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 will
be grown
Wrong verb form
grow
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 up.
Parents
Use synonyms
 are
a
Correct article usage
the
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first role models of
a
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apply
show examples
Use synonyms
children's
Change noun form
children
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leading
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
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 behave as
such
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 as their
parents
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.
By setting
Change preposition
Setting
show examples
 up several rules for
children
Use synonyms
such
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 as
sechedule
Correct your spelling
schedule
scheduled
 bedtime, limiting screen time and speaking politely help them to be disciplined.
Moreover
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,
children
Use synonyms
 are emotionally
conneted
Correct your spelling
connected
 with their guardians which helps to convince them effectively about rules and regulations,
this
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 can lead to a better comprehension of right from wrong.
In addition
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, a child who is not disciplined at home may find
Correct pronoun usage
it
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difficult to follow
school's
Correct article usage
the school's
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 regulations.
On the other hand
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 ,
although
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teaching
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the teaching
show examples
 of
parents
Use synonyms
 encourages and helps in following good habits , teachers are
also
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 responsible
to refine
Change preposition
for refining
show examples
 or
reinforced
Wrong verb form
reinforcing
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 those in the form of social norms . Students spend most of
the
Change the word
their
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 time with their tutors , they are trained to teach
these
Correct determiner usage
this
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 learning in groups, so learning in a group might be
a
Change the article
an
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effective way for them to be disciplined .
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Further more
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
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,
school
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the school
show examples
 has an environment
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
similiar
Correct your spelling
similar
 to public facilities, giving instructions and following them makes
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
easier for
children
Use synonyms
 to understand
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
This
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result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
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 in, students
have
Wrong verb form
having
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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knowledge about
Correct article usage
the behavior
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behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 they should do with others
while
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 socialising . In conclusion,
while
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parents
Use synonyms
 are important
to lay
Change preposition
in laying
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foundation
Add an article
the foundation
a foundation
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 with basic rules
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 ,
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
 are responsible
to refine
Change preposition
for refining
show examples
 them
according to
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 the
real-world
Correct your spelling
real world
show examples
.In my opinion , in order to build an individual with civic values both the teachers and
parents
Use synonyms
 should take responsibility.A collaborative approach, where guardians and instructors
putt
Correct your spelling
put
show examples
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
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to discipline
Change preposition
into disciplining
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children
Use synonyms
 ,is
only
Correct article usage
the only
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a
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apply
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prudent way to solve
this
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 issue.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to use clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to help guide the reader through your argument. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to support your points. This could help strengthen your arguments and show a deeper understanding of the topic.
language use
Work on polishing your grammar and vocabulary for greater clarity and precision. This will help your ideas come across more effectively to the reader.
content
You've clearly articulated the roles of both parents and teachers in instilling discipline, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
structure
Your essay follows a logical progression from introduction to conclusion, making it relatively easy to follow your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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