IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that what children watch on television influences their behaviour while others say the amount of time children spend watching television influences their behaviour. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Linking Words
According to some
Change preposition
Some
show examples
 people
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 that the things
children
Use synonyms
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
television
Use synonyms
influences
Correct subject-verb agreement
influence
show examples
 their behaviour.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 others feel that the length/
time
Use synonyms
 of
time
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
 spend watching
television
Use synonyms
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
 their behaviour. In my opinion,
there
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 are both affecting
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 behavior.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both perspectives and provide my personal opinion on the matter. The
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
 why the
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 on
television
Use synonyms
 will make the
kid
Change noun form
kid's
show examples
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
changed
Wrong verb form
change
show examples
 is because
they're
Unnecessary verb
they
show examples
 lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
judgment.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 who watch the
television
Use synonyms
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
about a thief who
stolen
Add a missing verb
has stolen
show examples
 something but the programme doesn't
tell
Verb problem
say
show examples
there
Correct pronoun usage
them there
show examples
 is a wrong thing. The
children
Use synonyms
 may do the same thing
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
led
Wrong verb form
leads
show examples
 to bad
outcome
Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 viewing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
show
Fix the agreement mistake
shows
show examples
 may enhance their lift of vision and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
understanding
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the world which
no-doubt
Verb problem
no doubt
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
influences their
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
Children
Use synonyms
watch
Wrong verb form
watching
show examples
 the documentary about the animals may let them know how the survival of the animals. Which
widen
Wrong verb form
widened
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 vision and inspired their interest
about explored
Change preposition
in exploring
show examples
 the world.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
time
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
 spend on the
television
Use synonyms
 watching will have influences on their academic achievements.
For instance
Linking Words
, the more
time
Use synonyms
 they spend on the
television
Use synonyms
, the
least
Correct word choice
less
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 they spend on their
homeworks
Correct your spelling
homework
.
that
Capitalize word
That
show examples
 may let the kids least focus on their studies than the
television
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
time
Use synonyms
 they
addictive
Replace the word
are addicted
show examples
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
television
Use synonyms
 may
cause
Verb problem
have
show examples
 health impacts
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
Use synonyms
. Prolonged
television
Use synonyms
 watching can lead to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of physical activity, increasing the risk of obesity in
children
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, it is my belief that both the content
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
and the
time
Use synonyms
 on TV weigh equally as much and deserve full attention from parents and
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
. Setting limits on screen
time
Use synonyms
 and
monitor
Wrong verb form
monitoring
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
what they
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
 are essential.

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task achievement
The introduction is clear, but it could be improved by rephrasing for grammatical accuracy and cohesion. For example, 'According to some people believed...' could be corrected to 'According to some people, the content that children watch on television influences their behaviour.'
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use complete sentences, as some fragments reduce clarity. For example, 'that may let the kids least focus on their studies than the television' could be revised to 'this may lead to kids focusing less on their studies than on television.'
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples, but they should be more clearly connected to your points. Try to explain how your examples directly support your argument. For instance, clarify how viewing documentaries directly influences children's behaviour in an educational manner.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using more linking words to improve the flow of your essay. Words like 'furthermore' and 'in addition' can help connect your ideas more effectively.
task achievement
You have presented both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced perspective on the issue.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion nicely summarizes your stance on the issue and reinforces your main points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • influence behaviour
  • violent content
  • inappropriate content
  • educational programs
  • role models
  • aggressive behaviour
  • positive behaviour
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • physical health issues
  • social interactions
  • social skills
  • parental involvement
  • moderate impact
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