IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that strict punishments for driving offences are the key to reducing traffic accidents. Others, however, believe that other measures would be more effective in improving road safety. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

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It is undeniable that punishing people who illegal driving ensures the safety of traffic,
while
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 many individuals believe measures should be strict.
Although
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 I can see convincing arguments behind punishing
driver
Fix the agreement mistake
drivers
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 for safety
purpose
Fix the agreement mistake
purposes
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, I strongly opine that
suitable
Correct article usage
a suitable
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 system is the best way to decrease crime rates. On the one hand, strict punishments have helped departments to make great achievements in the field of controlling
driver’s
Fix the agreement mistake
drivers’
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 driving
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
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, attitudes and awareness.
As a result
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, the rate of traffic accidents
of
Change preposition
in
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 cities
have
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has
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 declined, even some cities get zero.
For instance
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,
according to
Linking Words
 the survey conducted by the University of Hong Kong, 22% of accidental traffic events,
such
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 as speeding, car
crash
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crashes
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,
drunk
Correct word choice
and drunk
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 driving, are controlled effectively
On the other hand
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, the mild approach to
treat
Wrong verb form
treating
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 people become more popular in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
Furthermore
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, if strict measures
was
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were
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 used too frequently to people, they might create a sense of worry
of
Change preposition
about
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 driving and lead to a loss of confidence
to
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in
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 justice,
instead
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 of mortifying their
behaves
Replace the word
behaviour
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.
For example
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,
provided
Verb problem
apply
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statistics by
Tokyo
Correct article usage
the Tokyo
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 University of
technology
Capitalize word
Technology
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 show that 65% of drivers prefer
mild
Correct article usage
a mild
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 approach rather than
Correct article usage
a strict
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strict
Correct pronoun usage
strict one
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. In conclusion, strict punishments do work to retard the public driving awareness.
Therefore
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,
it is clear that
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 the idea of running
a strict systems
Correct the article-noun agreement
strict systems
a strict system
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 cannot be
support
Wrong verb form
supported
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. After
thorough
Correct article usage
a thorough
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 analysis
on
Change preposition
of
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this
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 subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over strict measures will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of
this
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,
mild
Correct article usage
a mild
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 approach to
treat
Change the verb form
treating
show examples
 illegal
driver
Fix the agreement mistake
drivers
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 is necessary.

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task achievement
While your essay presents a clear viewpoint, it would benefit from a more thorough examination of both sides of the argument. Make sure to explore each perspective with equal depth.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your ideas flow logically from one to the next. Use linking words and phrases more effectively to enhance the connection between your points and make your argument easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction could be improved by stating the two views more clearly and providing a clearer thesis statement that outlines your position. Similarly, your conclusion should summarize your key points more effectively.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your arguments, which help to illustrate your points effectively.
task achievement
Your understanding of the topic is evident, and you address the prompt in a manner that shows critical engagement with both sides of the argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • deter
  • reckless driving
  • heavy fines
  • loss of driving privileges
  • imprisonment
  • dissuade
  • awareness campaigns
  • road safety
  • drive responsibly
  • traffic management systems
  • road signage
  • street lighting
  • dedicated lanes
  • technological advancements
  • automatic braking systems
  • blind-spot monitoring
  • lane departure warnings
  • comprehensive approach
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