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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many childhood diseases can now be prevented through the use of vaccines. Should parents be made by law to immunize their children against common diseases or should individuals have the right to choose not to immunise their children?

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These days, technology and medicine have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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shown remarkable advancements. Vaccines are an example of
this
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 evolution, which can save people, specifically
children
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, from preventable diseases.
This
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 essay will discuss the right of parents to choose or not to immunise their
children
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.
Firstly
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, it is widely known that vaccines save lives.
According to
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 the data collected in a research study taken by
the
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apply
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Harvard University, the chance
to
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of
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children
Use synonyms
develop
Wrong verb form
developing
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 a complication from a disease
such
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 as measles, if they are vaccinated, is lower than 25%.
For
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this
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 reason, countries
such
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 as Brazil choose to require parents to immunise their
children
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 against common diseases.
Therefore
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, the amount and the spread of these illnesses
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 low and
well controlled
Add a hyphen
well-controlled
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, allowing for better life expectancy
in
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at
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this
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 age.
On the other hand
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, a variety of countries
gives
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give
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to
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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individuals the right to choose immunise or not their infants.
For instance
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, Australia is one of these nations that provides liberty to parents.
However
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,
while
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 the vaccination is not mandatory, it is extremely encouraged by the government, which provides specific free vaccines to the population.
Consequently
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,
this
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 country
also
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have
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has
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 a strong immunization program that
recognize
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recognizes
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 the importance of
this
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 health campaign. In summary, no matter if laws or
individuals
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individuals'
individual's
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choice
Fix the agreement mistake
choices
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 are the
pathway
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pathways
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, the result needs to be
a
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apply
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high vaccination coverage.
Moreover
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, the goal needs to be the protection of
children
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’s health and support their vaccination. The protection of
children
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 from preventable diseases directly contributes to a healthier, more resilient society.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states the topic and what will be discussed in the essay, which is a good approach. However, you could strengthen your thesis statement by being more specific about the arguments you will present.
task achievement
In your first body paragraph, while you present strong arguments regarding the benefits of vaccination, ensure that you properly attribute the statistic mentioned by referencing a specific study more clearly, as it enhances credibility.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with clear paragraphing. To improve coherence, consider using more linking words or phrases (like 'however', 'furthermore') to guide the reader through your arguments smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. However, try to rephrase key arguments rather than repeating them for more impactful closure.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear argument surrounding a relevant and important topic, demonstrating an understanding of both sides of the vaccination debate.
coherence and cohesion
You have successfully structured your essay into clear paragraphs, which helps the reader follow your points effectively.
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