IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that schools should teach students how to manage money. Do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In today’s era,
money
Use synonyms
 management is important in life . Some people argue that should be taught to students by the schools. In my notion, it is a negative development. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will justify my opinion with perspectives before presenting my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
To commence with, saving
money
Use synonyms
 is a life skill. Children at schools should get more important skills in subjects
such
Linking Words
 as math and science rather than skills that could be taken from real life. Because it is the time for study.
For example
Linking Words
, childhood is the phase for cognitive development, hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
andunderstanding
Correct your spelling
and understanding
 the basics. Not only did it help to clear the exams but
also
Linking Words
 confused them and diverted them from their main goals.
Moreover
Linking Words
, we cannot deny the important impact of wasting
money
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 purchasing gadgets.
Body paragraph 2
Moving ahead, the
parents
Use synonyms
 help their children to utilize
money
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, by motivating them to collect
money
Use synonyms
 as much as they can to use it for special occasions like, a celebration of
newborn
Add an article
a newborn
the newborn
show examples
 baby.
Secondly
Linking Words
, remind them of good values to deal with
money
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
money
Use synonyms
 is limited so spend it safely.
As a result
Linking Words
, children are affected by their
Use synonyms
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
 behaviour and
this
Linking Words
 is a fabulous chance to care for and safely.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 will give less amount to their kids as pocket
money
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, practical lessons or skills could be taken from
parents
Use synonyms
 or family,
while
Linking Words
 in school kids are preferable to be in progress of their worth and deep subjects. Maintaining a balance between these will help to grow kids in
overall
Linking Words
 development.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Clearly outline your position in the introduction and make sure it aligns with your examples and arguments throughout the essay. A clearer stance would enhance the task response.
coherence
Try to maintain a logical flow between paragraphs with clear topic sentences and transition phrases to guide the reader through your points more smoothly.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and explanations to support your points. For instance, instead of stating that childhood is for cognitive development, explain how money management can be integrated into existing subjects like math.
coherence
Be careful with phrasing and sentence structure. Some sentences are unclear and can confuse the reader. For example, rephrase 'wasting money for purchasing gadgets' to clarify your point.
coherence
Use varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures to enhance the overall quality of the essay.
task achievement
The essay identifies a clear perspective on the topic, which is good for task achievement.
task achievement
Some good points regarding parental roles in money management show an understanding of the topic.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: