IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree? (S)

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many processed food and beverage products consist of high amounts of sugar, which
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 serious health issues. Some state that increasing
price
Correct article usage
the price
show examples
 of unhealthy
commodity
Fix the agreement mistake
commodities
show examples
 is a key factor to avoid buying them.
While
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 essay agrees that
mentioned
Correct article usage
the mentioned
show examples
 approach can be useful,it debates that better alternative methods exist. In
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of
first
Change the article
the first
show examples
 view, if harmful products are expensive it could prevent customers
to purchase
Change preposition
from purchasing
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 step can be shown as
restriction
Correct article usage
a restriction
show examples
whereas
Linking Words
 it is upside for
people
Use synonyms
's health .Owing
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
health is the most necessary matter for the world, it must kept in attention.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, rising price hinders low-income individuals
due to
Linking Words
 they still struggle with high prices. Even they are discouraged 
to buy
Change preposition
from buying
show examples
 healthy goods .
Therefore
Linking Words
, manufacturers could decrease
sugar
Correct article usage
the sugar
show examples
 amount of ones in place of wholly raising costs.
Linking Words
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 sales
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
high
Replace the word
highly
show examples
 sugary products must be blocked because it leads to
spreading
Correct article usage
the spreading
show examples
Change preposition
of diabet
show examples
diabet
Correct your spelling
diabetes
 diseases among
people
Use synonyms
. 
Additionally
Linking Words
, some advertisements that display appealing features
instead
Linking Words
 of adverse aspects can be limited not to attract consumers. Among
people
Use synonyms
,
ones
Correct article usage
the ones
show examples
 that tend to consume
damage
Replace the word
damaged
show examples
 items are children, so parents must fully focus on their kids to avoid consuming them ,
because of protecting
Change preposition
to protect
show examples
from
Correct pronoun usage
them from
show examples
 illness at earlier ages .
Otherwise
Linking Words
, they can give homemade pure fruit drinks. Another point is
awareness
Add an article
the awareness
an awareness
show examples
 that it leads to serious problems
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 everyone. In schools, educational lessons may explain
pupils
Change preposition
to pupils
show examples
damaging
Correct article usage
the damaging
show examples
 effects
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
,
even
Correct word choice
and even
show examples
 TV programs,social media are useful
to expand
Change preposition
in expanding
show examples
 information to aware
people
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 making sugary commodities expensive can decrease consuming of them, alternative steps
such
Linking Words
 as educational training,
regulations
Correct word choice
and regulations
show examples
 on advertisements should be
also
Linking Words
 taken to combat
this
Linking Words
 problem.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Consider clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to improve the logical flow of your arguments. Ensure each idea is fully developed and linked to the thesis.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments, such as statistics or studies related to sugar consumption and health effects.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with language accuracy; ensure grammatical structures are used correctly to enhance clarity.
task achievement
You presented a clear stance on the issue, stating that there are better alternatives than simply increasing prices.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarises your main argument and reflects on the points discussed in the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: