IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

STUDIES HAVE SUGGESTED THAT CHILDREN WATCH MUCH MORE TELEVISION THAN THEY DID IN THE PAST AND SPEND LESS TIME ON ACTIVE OR CREATIVE THINGS. WHAT ARE THE REASONS AND WHAT MEASURES SHOULD BE TAKEN TO ENCOURAGE CHILDREN TO SPEND MORE TIME ON ACTIVEOR CREATIVE THINGS?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays,
children
Use synonyms
 spend more time watching television and less on active and creative activities. The first reason is that films are now much more attractive than they were
then
Linking Words
. They used to be black and white, mute. Now they are brightly
colorful
Change the spelling
colourful
show examples
, carefully voice-acted, containing music. These things can easily cause the
children
Use synonyms
 to be addicted
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
. For example, my little cousin enjoys watching the videos of Cocomelon so much which have the exactly same details as mentioned.
Also
Linking Words
, films are easier to approach for kids now, they can
cilmb
Correct your spelling
climb
 on couches and watch anything they want
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 a cheap cost unlike in the past.
For instance
Linking Words
, when my parents were young, they had to
get
Verb problem
go
show examples
 to the cinema once for each season of a series. But now I can pay once and watch
full
Correct article usage
the full
show examples
 series at home. Briefly,
children
Use synonyms
 enjoy watching the vivid, cheap and available
at home
Add a hyphen
at-home
show examples
 things. With these causes, these are the effective measures.
Firstly
Linking Words
, we ought to help them
looking
Wrong verb form
look
show examples
 for
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 hobbies. They will have less time to watch TV if it is
occurred
Verb problem
caused
show examples
 by other activities. I used to play video a lot after lunch at
highschool
Correct your spelling
high school
show examples
, but when my
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
show examples
 invited me to play badminton, I quit my old habit
to play
Change preposition
of playing
show examples
 with them. But if they still stick their eyes to the TV all day long, their parents had better set the time limit. As I mentioned, my little cousin really enjoys watching Cocomelon and my uncle’s solution is to let him use the TV only two hours a day before bed.
Although
Linking Words
film
Correct article usage
the film
show examples
 industry develops rapidly on quality and
be
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a common means of entertainment, we can stimulate
children
Use synonyms
 with active and creative activities and minimize bad influence.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Improve the introduction by clearly stating the main reasons and measures that will be discussed in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Use more varied linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of your arguments; for example, consider using 'Moreover', 'Additionally', and 'On the other hand'.
task achievement
Expand on the specific examples to fully illustrate your points; for instance, explain a bit more about how playing badminton changed your habits.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that grammar and spelling are accurate to convey your ideas clearly, such as correcting 'cilmb' to 'climb' and 'exactly same' to 'the exact same'.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant personal examples to support the points made, which adds to its persuasiveness.
task achievement
The writer touches on important reasons why children prefer watching TV, which reflects a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: