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Writing Samples
Band 5

A lot of places in the world rely on tourism as a main source of income. Unfortunately, tourism can also be a source of problems if it is not managed correctly. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this fact.

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While
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 it
is widely believe
Change the verb form
is widely believed
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 that tourism is one of the key drivers contributing to
incomes
Use synonyms
, it can negatively cause problems
due to
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 poor management.
This
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 essay will show that
Correct article usage
the economic
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economic
Replace the word
economy
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 and employment are benefited,
while
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environment
Correct article usage
the environment
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 can be damaged. One of the primary advantages of tourism is it impacts positively
on
Change preposition
apply
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economic growth and
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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employment rates. When the demand of users
go
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goes
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 up, the supply of products and services is
also
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 required
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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. Many hotels and attraction places will open positions to serve the customers' needs, resulting in more opportunities for job seekers.
Addtionally
Correct your spelling
Additionally
, foreigners tend to pay more for better experiences, leading to higher
incomes
Use synonyms
.
For example
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, the dominant source of
Use synonyms
incomes
Fix the agreement mistake
income
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of
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in
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 Thailand is from the tourist industry. To satisfy more than 30 million travellers, the nation must hire more employees, contributing directly to its better finances.
Oh
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On
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 the other
hands
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hand
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,
the
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apply
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environmental issues will be key drawbacks. Regarding higher tourists, more resources are consumed, especially energy. The more energy used in vehicles, the higher level of
cabon
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carbon
 dioxide emission.
Moreover
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, if travellers leave their
garbages
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garbage
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 and do not follow instructions, natural
scenary
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scenery
 will be destroyed.
For instance
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, many beaches have to close
in
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for
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 a certain period in order to recover from the
destoriation
Correct your spelling
restoration
destination
 from tourists. In conclusion, it is undeniable that
tourist
Correct article usage
the tourist
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 industry generates
the
Correct article usage
a
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 great
amount
Change the quantifier
number
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 of
Use synonyms
incomes
Fix the agreement mistake
income
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 for many regions and it impacts positively
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
nations' economic growth and employment.
However
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, without proper policies, tourism can be a cause of downsides as well. If there are no controls,
environment
Add an article
the environment
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 can be damaged, leading to serious consequences.

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task achievement
Your introduction should clearly outline both the advantages and disadvantages you will discuss. You mention them, but framing them more distinctly can enhance clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your points. For example, explicitly state the advantages in one paragraph and the disadvantages in another.
task achievement
Make sure to proofread your essay for small spelling and grammatical errors, such as 'believe' should be 'believed', 'Addtionally' should be 'Additionally', and 'garbages' should just be 'garbage' or 'litter'. These can affect the overall impression.
task achievement
Your example of Thailand effectively illustrates your point about tourism as a source of income and job creation, which strengthens your argument.
coherence and cohesion
You provide a balanced view of both the advantages and disadvantages of tourism, which is essential for this type of discussion essay.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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