IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The breakthroughs in medical science are by far the most significant advances in world society over the last two centuries. Discuss this statement and give your opinion.

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Medical science has been witnessing considerable progress since the 1800s.
This
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 advance could be particularly found in the
sports
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medicine
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 community.
In contrast
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 to before,
exercise
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 has been considered an effective way to maintain basic functions in our body and treat a range of fatal diseases. In my opinion,
this
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 breakthrough was the most important change in our life. In the past,
people
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 exercised for fun of communication.
For example
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, by playing various
sports
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,
such
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 as basketball, baseball ,or tennis, human beings could communicate with their family and friends, thereby improving their close-knit relationships.
Apart from
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this
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, educators considered physical activities as a way to cultivate children's personality.
That is
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 to say, in PE classes, teachers could foster their cooperation, self-discipline and compromise during different well-structured activities.
However
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, despite
this
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, the majority of parents and instructors still believed that students should pay full attention to their core curriculum,
such
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 as mathematics, linguistics, or sciences,
instead
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 of
sports
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.
However
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, nowadays, thanks to a lot of relevant research, the benefits to our
health
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 of
exercise
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 have become well-known.
According to
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 the American College of
Sports
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 Science,
exercise
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 is
medicine
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, which means we can improve our
health
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 through
exercise
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. Lots of evidence indicates that regular physical activities can not only facilitate different kinds of physiological and psychological functions but
also
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 reduce the risks of sorts of diseases,
such
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 as heart attack, sarcopenia, or diabetes. To be more specific, experts suggested that to maintain basic physical
health
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 and cognitive function, we need to participate in endurance exercises for at least 300 minutes per week,
while
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 for muscular fitness,
people
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 should engage in a least two times of strength training sessions weekly. I believe that a lack of
people
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 knew
this
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 information 200 years ago,
nevertheless
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, the breakthroughs in
sports
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medicine
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 have been absolutely dropping the rates of a variety of syndromes caused by sedentary life patterns, leading to
people
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's longevity. In conclusion, with
such
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 enormous changes in our insights into
sports
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medicine
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, conventional
medicine
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 is no longer the only way to prolong our lifespan and maintain our
health
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.

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Task Achievement
Your introduction presents a clear position on the topic, but it could be improved by summarizing the main points you will discuss in the body of the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to include more transitions between ideas to enhance coherence. For example, phrases such as 'In contrast to this' or 'Furthermore' could help guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
Task Achievement
While you have provided examples, some arguments could be elaborated further. For instance, more specific historical examples of medical advancements would strengthen your points.
Task Achievement
You provide a personal opinion, which is a strong aspect of your essay, showing your engagement with the topic.
Task Achievement
Your use of data and statistics, such as mentioning the American College of Sports Science, adds credibility to your argument.
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