IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe the media should be allowed to publish private information about people, while others are against it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Nowadays, some individuals think
the
Correct your spelling
that
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 personal secret
information
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 should be hidden from the public
whereas
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 others agree that
media
Correct article usage
the media
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 has the right to release
those
Correct determiner usage
that
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data
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. In my opinion, the private
information
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 should be protected. Protecting sensitive
data
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 is an option that fits the human moral concept. The
data
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 means the delicate part of one human being. Once the
information
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 is exposed to some
abmoral
Correct your spelling
immoral
people
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, the consequences
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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usually lead to
the
Correct article usage
a
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 great amount of pressure in
targeted
Correct article usage
the targeted
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 person, which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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terribly
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
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 the psychological health of that citizen in the society.
This
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 would damage the harmony and order in the public domain because the others are all afraid of their own privacy being utilized by evil
people
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. Exposing the
information
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of
Change preposition
to
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public
Correct article usage
the public
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 is feasible in some cases.
For example
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, the
guity
Correct your spelling
guilty
 that escaped from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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jail should be arrested immediately so he could not create more conflicts. In
this
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 case, the personal
information
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 can be known by the citizens in order to benefit the security of
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
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people
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 in that region. In
other phenomenon
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another phenomenon
other phenomena
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, the
information
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 of
Correct article usage
the publics
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publics
Fix the agreement mistake
public
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 can make the experience of them become better.
For instance
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, the
information
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 of users
in
Change preposition
on
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 the website about purchasing
preference
Fix the agreement mistake
preferences
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 is a reference for saving users' time
becaue
Correct your spelling
because
 the algorithm could calculate the users' needs
base
Wrong verb form
based
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 on the private
data
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. But
during
Change preposition
apply
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most of the time, the
exactly
Change the adverb
exact
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 messages that citizens send every day should be well arranged in
the
Correct article usage
a
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 safe database. If the overuse of the
data
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 meets
the
Correct article usage
apply
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innocent
people
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, the conclusion would be horrible. All in all, the private
data
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 should be protected in most of the circumstances.
The individuals
Correct article usage
Individuals
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 and
police
Correct your spelling
policy
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 makers should pay attention to different sides of them and make appropriate use of them.

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task achievement
Clarify and strengthen the main argument in each paragraph to ensure a more comprehensive response to the task. This can be achieved by providing clearer explanations and examples.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure accurate spelling and grammar to enhance clarity and professionalism in your writing. This includes addressing small typing errors (e.g., 'guity' should be 'guilty').
coherence and cohesion
Consider using more varied linking words and phrases to improve the flow between ideas.
task achievement
The essay addresses both views, demonstrating an understanding of the topic and providing a clear opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly states the main points of discussion, effectively outlining what will be explored in the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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