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Band 6.5

Children of ages 7-11 now spend more time watching television and/or playing video games than before. What are the effects of this on children, family and society?What are the possible solutions to this situation ?

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Nowadays, the teenager has a tendency to invest most of their
time
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 in watching TV or playing video games as compared to the past. I believe
this
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 may bring serious consequences for
children
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, family
as well
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as
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and
show examples
society
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.
However
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, some initiatives should be taken by the family and the government. Primarily, spending excess
time
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 on the devices can make the
children
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 less interested in studies. They consider studying as a waste of
time
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 and always try to refrain from it, which may impact their career in the future.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 cause may invitational diseases
such
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 as physical and mental problems. In the new era,
children
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 spend less
time
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 on the playground. For instance, in recent days, pubg is the most viral video game among all teenagers, and with excessive usage of it,
children
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 lose their mental ability. Eventually, families can
also
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 tackle the detrimental effects of it as it widens the gap between
children
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 and elder people.
Hence
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 ,
this
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 generation gap can be harmful to
society
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 too;
thus
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,
children
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 will have a less social life.
However
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, the government and the
society
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 itself should take some steps to improve
this
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 situation.
Firstly
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, the government should introduce sports games in the schools. By doing it,
children
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 will have more interest in playing sports which require physical strength.
Moreover
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, constructing libraries in the areas would be beneficial for the
children
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 to spend learning and reading new books, which is quite an essential step.
Apart from
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this
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, families should try to spend most of their
time
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 with
children
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, so that they can feel homely. In conclusion, undoubtedly, technology brings new innovations, but spending excessive
time
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 on devices during a growing age can bring long-term side effects for
children
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,
society
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 and families together. It needs to be controlled at the earlier age of the
children
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.

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task achievement
Consider providing clearer examples and more specific details to support your main points, as this will help enhance the overall quality of your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure the transitions between paragraphs are smooth and logical, improving the overall flow of the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Clarify some phrases for better understanding; for example, instead of 'invitational diseases,' consider using 'result in diseases.'
task achievement
You have addressed the effects of excessive screen time on children, families, and society, which is relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion is clear and emphasizes the need for control over technology use in young children, which ties back nicely to your introduction.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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