IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Many people believe that increasing levels of violence on television and in films is having a direct result on levels of violence in society. Others claim that violence in society is the result of more fundamental social problems such as unemployment. How much do you think society is affected by violence in the media? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Violence
Use synonyms
 in media can be strongly related
and
Change preposition
to and
show examples
 reflected
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
violence
Use synonyms
 in
society
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
 we should not consider it as the main reason solely. Both parties have a strong claim to
violence
Use synonyms
. Unemployment alongside other low self-esteem traits in
society
Use synonyms
 can contribute
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 making
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 violent.
Violence
Use synonyms
 in media can affect and trick young people in their early adulthood years into thinking that they may apply the same scenes they see in the media
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 real life.
Violence
Use synonyms
 coming from the unemployed can be
due to
Linking Words
 their urge to prove their value
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
society
Use synonyms
. Stuff like theft and murder may be done in order to bring
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
meaning and value into their lives. Solutions to prevent those crimes is by simply addressing them in public. People must know that crime will not be tolerated.
Also
Linking Words
, young people must be contained through programs or rehabilitation if available. One of the good examples that may be applied is the Iceland example. Young men in Iceland were involved in many crimes back in the 80s. Drugs, theft and murder were common at that time. All murder and theft statistics declined since
then
Linking Words
. all thanks to the education and containing teenagers in the
society
Use synonyms
. Every country and
society
Use synonyms
 must know that
violence
Use synonyms
 is a multifactorial thing, solved by many solutions rather than one.

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Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction could present a clearer thesis statement that outlines your stance more explicitly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that sentences within the paragraph logically lead from one to the next for better coherence.
Task Achievement
While you provide examples, they could be more detailed and relevant to strengthen your points. Consider elaborating on the Iceland example to better illustrate your argument.
Task Achievement
The conclusion should summarize your points more robustly, reinforcing your argument to leave a lasting impression on the reader.
Task Achievement
You raise important points about the influence of media on youth and the role of societal issues like unemployment in fostering violence, demonstrating an understanding of the complexity of the issue.
Task Achievement
The example of Iceland provides a relevant context to your argument about addressing violence in society, showing your ability to connect theoretical concepts with real-life scenarios.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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