IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian households. The second chart shows the greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use

The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian households. The second chart shows the greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use
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The charts illustrate the purposes of using
energy
Use synonyms
 in an average Australian household and the
emission
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 of
greenhouse
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Use synonyms
gas
Fix the agreement mistake
gases
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 from the use of
energy
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, Heating and water heating are the two main uses of
energy
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 and
thus
Linking Words
contributing
Wrong verb form
contribute
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 to a significant proportion of
Use synonyms
emission
Fix the agreement mistake
emissions
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 as
by-product
Add an article
a by-product
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from
Change preposition
of
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 the consumption of
energy
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. Looking at the charts more closely, heating requires the most proportion of
energy
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 with just over 40 %
while
Linking Words
 another type of heating ( water heating ) accounted for a third.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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 the
greenhouse
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gas
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 emissions from these purposes witnessed an opposite trend as the latter made up
for
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apply
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32% ,which doubled the former in
percentage
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the percentage
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 of
greenhouse
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gas
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Use synonyms
emission
Fix the agreement mistake
emissions
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.
Energy
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 used for the others
are
Change the verb form
is
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 far lower than the aforementioned categories, with the other appliances recorded for the highest percentage , at 15% which
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
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 roughly a third of
greenhouse
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Use synonyms
emission
Fix the agreement mistake
emissions
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.
While
Linking Words
 there is only 7%
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energy
Change preposition
of energy
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 used for
refrigerations
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refrigeration
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, there is a double proportion
in
Change preposition
of
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 its harmful
gas
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 emissions .
Finally
Linking Words
, the
energy
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 consumption of lighting and cooling in
percent
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per cent
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 are at least which contribute insignificantly to the pollution.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words energy, emission, greenhouse, gas with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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