IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Nowadays children spend a lot of time watching television and playing computer games. However, it does not help in improving children's mental abilities. Do you agree or disagree

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These days, When we turn on the television or flick through the pages of newspapers, we can see watching TV and playing
video
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games
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 are
main
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the main
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topic
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topics
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, especially nowadays
children
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 spend a
lot
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 of
time
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for
Change preposition
on
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tem
Correct your spelling
them
. So many people especially parents think they are harmful for kids and me too.
Therefore
Linking Words
 in
this
Linking Words
essay
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essay,
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 I will explain why I think so.
First
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The first
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 and most significant harm is that. When
children
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 watch a
lot
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 of TV or play computer
games
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 a
lot
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, their eyes tired quickly and they reduce see ability.
Then
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 it never
come
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comes
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 again and
children
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 suffer all life. Or they go to
doctor
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the doctor
a doctor
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 to fix it
then
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 they spend
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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money and
time
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. Another reason why I disagree
playing
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with playing
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video
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games
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. It
take
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takes
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 a
lot
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 of
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children
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children's
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time
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 and it bed
effected
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affected
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children
Change noun form
children's
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mind
Correct subject-verb agreement
minds
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.
Then
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 they are not
focus
Wrong verb form
focused
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themselves
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on themselves
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 and they do not do
homeworks
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homework
 or any subject. So it
cause
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causes
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 all things.
For example
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children
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's future and
develop
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development
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 of society. Not only that but
also
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 it
cause
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causes
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 crime rate. Because they learn harmful things on the internet. But turning on the
ather
Correct your spelling
other
 side of the argument it has some benefits.
For instance
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 when
children
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 work a
lot
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 or do
many
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apply
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homework their
brain
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brains
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tired
Add a missing verb
are tired
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. But
video
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games
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 and watching TV reduce stress and help relax.
To sum up
Linking Words
, the harms of
video
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games
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out weight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
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 the benefits and they cause
blind
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blindness
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. And
also
Linking Words
children
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 spend
much
Rephrase
too much
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time
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 and they do not improve
on
Change preposition
apply
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themselves.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that all sentences flow logically from one to another and that paragraphs are well organized. This will improve the coherence of your argument.
task achievement
Strengthen your introduction and conclusion by summarizing your main arguments clearly and directly. This will enhance the overall clarity and completeness of your response.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support each main point. This will help to clearly illustrate your arguments and make them more convincing.
task achievement
You have made a clear position on the topic by stating your disagreement with the idea that watching TV and playing video games can improve mental abilities.
task achievement
You provided some thoughtful reasons for your viewpoint, such as the potential negative effects on vision and focus.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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