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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000 The charts below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000

The charts below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000 The charts below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000
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The provided graphs show the proportion of males and
females
Use synonyms
 aged 60-64 in employment in Belgium, USA, Japan, and Australia in 1970 and 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
, males and
females
Use synonyms
 in all four nations in 1970 were engaged in the job more
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 in 2000, except
females
Use synonyms
 in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 and Australia, where the year 2000 saw more employment histories than 1970. Another noticeable matter is,
men
Correct word choice
that men
show examples
 and women in Japan
were
Verb problem
had
show examples
 the highest
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
percentage of holding their jobs in both
years
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, both genders in Japan worked the most after 60
years
Use synonyms
 old in 1970 and 2000,
while
Linking Words
 Belgium is the country which experienced the lowest figure of men's and women's engagement at work at 60-64
years
Use synonyms
 old, except men in 1970 which was the second top among all other territories. In
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
, around
three quarters
Add a hyphen
three-quarters
show examples
 of males were doing their jobs in 1970, and more than
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half of them in 2000,
while
Linking Words
 around 40% of
females
Use synonyms
 were in their work in 1970 and 2000. At
last
Linking Words
, Australian
females
Use synonyms
 aged 60-64 worked far less
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 their male counterparts in both the
years
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words females, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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