IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In many countries too much money is spent by government and individuals for national days such as New year or religious festivals. To extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays it is common
to
Change preposition
for to
show examples
 spend much more money than expected
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 celebrating national events by
local
Add an article
the local
show examples
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 and
people
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 I agree that national holidays
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 really important for culture,
however
Linking Words
, it should be limited to
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 more on them. On the one hand, Local celebration events
are plays
Change the verb form
play
show examples
crucial
Add an article
a crucial
show examples
 role in developing national identity. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
national holidays like
new
Correct article usage
the new
show examples
 year or religious festivals can introduce fully their culture.
For instance
Linking Words
, we can take
Uzbek
Correct article usage
the Uzbek
show examples
 national festival called Navruz, which shows
deep
Correct article usage
the deep
show examples
 and cultural importance of
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
their history. Navruz
Linking Words
such
Add a missing verb
is such
show examples
event
Correct article usage
an event
show examples
 where, it takes over
whole
Change the article
the whole
show examples
 tradition, in that day
people
Use synonyms
 wear their traditional clothes namely
atlass
Correct your spelling
atlas
atlases
class
. It
Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 clear that,
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 cover that demand
people
Use synonyms
 should
defenetily
Correct your spelling
definitely
 spend
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
cash in order to arrange
concert
Correct article usage
a concert
show examples
 revanue
Linking Words
along with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
for
individuals
Fix the agreement mistake
individual
show examples
 satisfaction.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, In that
case
Add a comma
case,
show examples
to find
Change the verb form
finding
show examples
 balance is important. Government or individuals should spend large
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of money in another way like charity.
For instance
Linking Words
, Sometimes thinking way of
governers
Correct your spelling
governors
show examples
 and humans can be wrong which leads to wasting and unnecessary expenditure of millions.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there are thousands of
people
Use synonyms
 who expect from
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 even small help to improve their life better side by getting some donations.
To sum up
Linking Words
, despite
importance
Add an article
the importance
show examples
 of cultural occasions in establishing identity and escaping from
monotonous
Add an article
the monotonous
show examples
 life, it would be better if rulers and humans should consider
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 who live in poverty.

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Task Achievement
Try to make your thesis statement clearer in the introduction. Explain your main point more directly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the use of linking words and phrases to make the ideas flow better. For example, use "Furthermore" or "Additionally" to connect your points.
Task Achievement
Consider providing more specific examples related to how money spent on celebrations could be reallocated to important social issues.
Task Achievement
You've shown a good understanding of the topic and presented both sides of the argument.
Task Achievement
Your examples are relevant and support your points about cultural significance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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