IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many believe that modern technology has brought people together, but others say that it has driven us apart. Discuss both viewpoints and give your own opinion

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There is an ongoing debate regarding modern technology and its effects on the population. Some
people
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 believe that it has brought
people
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 together,
while
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 others affirm the opposite. In my opinion, even if technology has created a
lot
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 of benefits, especially in the communication department, it has
also
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 caused a
lot
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 of social problems. There are some advantages that are related to modernization.
Firstly
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, through social media it is possible to connect
people
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 from different countries, who share similar interests, allowing them to create friendships, and,
consequently
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, feel less alone.
Secondly
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, new technologies allow
people
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 from all over the world to communicate;
therefore
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, those who are travelling or who live abroad can
easly
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easily
 interact with their relatives.
For example
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, young
people
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 who live away from their parents can keep in contact with them, and use video calls to contrast homesickness.
However
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, these developments have
also
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 caused a
lot
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 of problems.
Firstly
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, young
people
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 prefer to spend all their time online,
instead
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 of going outside and living their lives.
As a result
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, they have
becomed
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become
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 asocial
,
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apply
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 and are dissociated from reality.
Secondly
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, researches show a connection between
people
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, who suffer from mental health disorders, and social media, confirming that the seconds are one of the main
cause
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causes
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 for these issues.
For instance
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, statistics prove how Instagram has caused eating disorders in a
lot
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 of teenagers, by exposing them to unreachable beauty standards. In conclusion,
while
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 it is true that technology improved some parts of our lives, allowing
people
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 from all around the globe to keep in touch, it is impossible to ignore all the downsides connected to it.

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task achievement
Consider providing a more balanced view by further developing the arguments for both perspectives; perhaps include an additional point in favor of technology.
task achievement
Ensure that all examples clearly support the main points and are explained in a way that connects them directly to the argument being made. The link between social media and mental health could be elaborated more for clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Work on using a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of your essay. For instance, using phrases like 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' can help clarify contrasting arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that directly addresses the question, and the conclusion should summarize the key points more succinctly, reiterating your opinion.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of both sides of the argument, which is crucial in a discussion-style response.
task achievement
Good use of relevant examples that illustrate the points made, particularly about the impact of social media on communication and mental health.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • connectivity
  • communicate
  • social media
  • virtual meetings
  • global community
  • isolation
  • distract
  • face-to-face interaction
  • personal connections
  • dependency
  • technology addiction
  • digital divide
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