IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people in poor countries die from diseases that are curable because they cannot afford the medication required. Do you believe that drug companies should make their products available at reduced prices in these countries?

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In
third world
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third-world
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countries
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, the major part of the population dies from curable diseases because the required medication is too expensive for them. In my opinion, those
countries
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 are facing many other issues;
therefore
Linking Words
, it is the obligation of developed
countries
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 to help them in a variety of ways. Underdeveloped
countries
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 have to face a lot of problems.
Firstly
Linking Words
, their living conditions are
atrocius
Correct your spelling
atrocious
, since they are forced to live in crowded buildings, where often rats and other rodents can be found.
Secondly
Linking Words
, they do not have access to utilities in their home,
such
Linking Words
 as electricity and water.
Infact
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In fact
, they need to walk for
kilometers
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kilometres
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 to get water
,
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apply
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 and
also
Linking Words
 use gas lamps to illuminate their place, which
are
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is
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 extremely toxic.
For example
Linking Words
, in India, nitrogen laps are used, which are known to cause cancer and other health problems.
Lastly
Linking Words
, food is rationed, and individuals die from hunger and starvation. Since in those parts of the
world
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world,
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 there are more pressing matters, it is our job, as developed
countries
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 to at least allow them to have access to medical treatment, which is a human right.
Consequently
Linking Words
, our governments have to collaborate to make the drug accessible to them, by pitching in and buying it from drug companies.
In addition
Linking Words
, the State could use part of the public money
for financing
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to finance
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 those
countries
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, and make their life better.
For instance
Linking Words
, the European Union few years ago created a plan, known as Agenda 2030,
which its
Correct pronoun usage
whose
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 main goal is to reduce inequalities by supporting underdeveloped
countries
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. In conclusion,
third world
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third-world
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countries
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 are already facing a lot of issues, like famine and terrible living conditions;
as a result
Linking Words
, it is our job to help them

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states the main issue, but making your thesis clearer could strengthen your argument. Consider summarizing your stance more explicitly.
coherence cohesion
In your body paragraphs, while you provide relevant points, ensure all ideas are connected with coherent linking phrases for better flow.
task achievement
Some points could benefit from more specific and relevant examples to support your claims effectively. For instance, detailing how specific programs aim to address these issues would enrich your discussion.
task achievement
You effectively highlight the urgent issues faced by underdeveloped countries and the moral obligation of developed nations, which is a strong point in your argument.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Pharmaceuticals
  • Generic drugs
  • Patent laws
  • Healthcare disparity
  • Subsidies
  • Non-Governmental Organizations (NGOs)
  • Intellectual property
  • Epidemiology
  • Affordability
  • Global health initiatives
  • Corporate social responsibility
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