IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Individuals' greed and selfishness have been the basis of modern society. Some people think we must return to older, more traditional values, such as respect for older adults and the local community, to create a better world. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In today’s world, some people believe that greed and selfishness have become widespread, forming the foundation of modern society. Others argue that we should return to traditional
values
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,
such
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 as respect for the elderly, to build a better future. In
this
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 essay, I will explain why I disagree with the idea of going back to old-fashioned
values
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 as a solution to current societal issues.
Firstly
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, returning to traditional
values
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 may not address the root causes of modern problems,
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moreover
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moreover,
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 the world significantly changed and many traditional norms are no longer suitable for contemporary life.
For instance
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, Elon Musk,
a
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is a
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modern businessman who challenges conventional thinking and constantly pushes innovation forward,
therefore
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 his success came not from respecting old customs, but from embracing creativity, taking risks, and thinking globally.
This
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 shows that solving modern issues requires forward-thinking ideas and fresh perspectives, not a return to outdated ways of life.
Secondly
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, some traditional
values
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 may actually hinder progress and equality,
moreover
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, respect for others — whether
elders
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elderly
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 or not — should be based on
behavior
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behaviour
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 understanding, not age or status alone.
For example
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, in many cultures, traditional norms expected women to stay at home and avoid leadership roles,
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however
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however,
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 if these
values
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 were still dominant today, successful women like Oprah Winfrey might never have had the chance to inspire millions to fight for social
unfair
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unfairness
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. In conclusion,
although
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 traditional
values
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 once played an important role in shaping communities, returning to them is not a realistic or effective way to solve today’s problems.
Therefore
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, we should focus on creating new
values
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 that reflect the world we live in today.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position throughout the response. Ensure all arguments are developed with sufficient detail to strengthen your points further.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using more varied linking words and phrases to enhance the flow between ideas. For instance, transitions such as "in addition" or "on the other hand" could improve coherence.
task achievement
While your examples are relevant, adding a bit more context or analysis could help illustrate your points more robustly, especially in relation to modern issues.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly sets up the essay and presents your stance effectively.
task achievement
The examples provided, such as Elon Musk and Oprah Winfrey, are relevant and demonstrate your points well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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