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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that getting a degree from university is the best way to guarantee a job, others believe that it would be better to gain experience first. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
In today's era,
education
Use synonyms
 plays a vital role in securing career opportunities. It is argued that obtaining a high
education
Use synonyms
 degree aids in getting high-paying jobs
while
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 some individuals contradict that having enough experience is far better than a degree. I believe it is essential to have a transcript in order to get hired at multinational companies, both
the
Change the word
my
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 views and my opinion are discussed below.
Body paragraph 1
To commence with, on the one side, studying hard and getting a transcript is crucial for high-standard jobs.
However
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, there are a lot of careers that require
high
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a high
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 level of
education
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such
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 as nurses,
engineer
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engineers
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 and so on. To illustrate, professions
such
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 as doctor, engineering and science require a lot of hard work and knowledge which can only be obtained through years of study.
Additionally
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, big corporations hire more candidates that
has
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have
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 higher degrees.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are few occupations that only require basic knowledge with good hands-on training these include plumbing, construction, warehouse work and many more.
For instance
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, if a person wants to pursue a career as a mechanic, it is essential to have
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 practical understanding
instead
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 of theoretical mastery.
However
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, these are low-waged and less secure jobs.
Body paragraph 3
According to
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 my point of view, attaining high degrees is more imperative than having
professional
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the professional
a professional
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 background , especially in the current growing technology world.
Moreover
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, a university
education
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 supports
to
Verb problem
apply
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have long-term profession
also
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 you can get more offers and with time you will become experienced.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, learning and earning a degree could help to gain long-term job security and more work options. People had better invest more in
education
Use synonyms
 so that they can have better career opportunities in future.

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task achievement
Consider expanding on your ideas by providing more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, you could elaborate on why high-level jobs require advanced degrees and provide specific examples of professions that exemplify this.
coherence cohesion
Ensure to use a wider range of cohesive devices to connect your ideas more fluidly throughout the essay. This will help improve the overall clarity and flow of your writing.
coherence cohesion
In your introduction, instead of saying 'transcript,' use 'degree' or 'qualification' for clarity. Also, try to summarize the two views more distinctly before stating your opinion.
task achievement
You have successfully identified and discussed both viewpoints, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your opinion, providing a clear end to your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • university degree
  • job market
  • qualifications
  • prestige
  • work experience
  • practical skills
  • networking opportunities
  • career choices
  • blended approach
  • theoretical knowledge
  • real-world situations
  • job market demands
  • skills and competencies
  • hands-on experience
  • adaptability
  • alternative pathways
  • success stories
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